Punchlines

Wrong club

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, “Jack, I’ve got trouble down here!”

“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

“Bring me my wedge,” Joe shouted. “You can’t get out of here with an eight iron!”

Job search

* I just lost my job as a psychic. I did not see that coming.

* I quit my job working for Nike. Just couldn’t do it anymore.

* I loved being a maze designer. I got completely lost in my work.

* Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

* I think my job interview to be a bug sorter went well. I boxed all the right ticks.

* My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got fresh so they canned me. Just as well, I couldn’t concentrate.

* Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

* After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

* Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

* I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

* Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I couldn’t find the thyme.

* Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

* My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

* I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have the patience.

* I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

* Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

* I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

* For a while I had a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I just wasn’t up to it.

* Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

* I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

* For a while I worked at a dairy, but I kept getting in the whey.

* I used to be a butcher, but I backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in my work.

* I tried being an optician, but I made a spectacle of myself.

* I worked at a coffee shop, but it was the same old grind.

* I lost my job at the massage parlor. I rubbed people the wrong way.

* I then got a job at a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

* Finally, I applied for a job in Australia, but seems I don’t have the right koalifications.

Quickies

Q: Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on Earth?

A: It’s pasteurized before you even see it.

Q: How many apples grow on a tree?

A: All of them.

Q: Why was the handyman’s bolt so clean?

A: Because he put it through the washer.

Q: Which is the coldest letter of the alphabet?

A: B. Because it is in the middle of AC.

Q: What kind of vehicle has four wheels and flies?

A: A garbage truck.

Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?

A: You’re pointless.

Q: What did you think of the new Avengers movie?

A: It was quite the Marvel.

Q: How many Indian food jokes do you know?

A: Naan.

Q: What does a janitor say when he jumps out of a closet?

A: Supplies!

Q: What’s a lion and a witch doing in a wardrobe?

A: It’s Narnia business.

High monkey

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking marijuana when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, “Hey! What are you doing?”

The monkey says, “Smoking weed. Come up and have some.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they share a joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, walks through the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. He asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, so he walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing the joint. He looks up and says, “Hey you!”

The monkey looks down and says, “Duuuuuuuuuude … how much water did you drink?!”

Part of the job

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone as well!”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.