Lisa DentonCurrent events
From www.newsmax.com:
» H&M has announced their … spring collection will be catering to the modest fashion market, with outfits that cover up more of your body. They’re calling it “Modest” fashion. Which is the No. 1 compliment you want to get on what you’re wearing, isn’t it? “Jane, love your dress, you look so modest.” – James Corden
» Scientists claim to have succeeded transplanting a memory from the brain of one sea snail and implanting it into another. Or, more likely, snails live pretty similar lives. – Seth Meyers
» There is a Japanese pop band whose members are all over 80 years old. The band is known for their No. 1 hit song, “Where Am I?” – Conan O’Brien
» Nordstrom is launching a new home and wellness collection that features a marijuana-scented candle. You can use it to cover up the smell when you get stoned on vanilla. – Seth Meyers
» Facebook has announced a new page called “Memories” that will show users photos from the past. It’s better than the original title for the page, “When You Were Thinner.” – Seth Meyers
» This weekend France won the World Cup and they were led by a 19-year-old prodigy named Kylian Mbappe. After the game, Mbappe said winning the World Cup totally makes up for being named after a Hanson song. – Jimmy Fallon
» The 12 boys who were rescued from a cave in Thailand last week are about to be released from the hospital. They said the first thing they want to eat is KFC. Then their doctor was like, “Dear God, haven’t your bodies been through enough?” – Jimmy Fallon
» The Washington Post has published an article investigating where doves go after they’re released at weddings [shows Popeyes logo] and you do NOT want to read the article. – Seth Meyers
» Former first lady Michelle Obama attended a Beyoncé and Jay-Z concert yesterday where she danced in the front row with Beyoncé’s mother. This, according to a white woman on the phone with police. – Seth Meyers
Feeling sheepish
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man.
A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup.
The doctor asks him “How are you feeling?”
The man replies “Not Baaaad!”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Late Night Laughs: Around the White House
› It’s been a stressful week so far. First, 12 Thai soccer players were trapped in a cave with rising water, and now six world leaders are trapped in a [NATO] summit with President Trump. It’s rough. — Conan O’Brien› President Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin had a one-on-one meeting today that lasted over two hours. Ugh, poor Trump! That is a long time to hang out with your boss. — Seth Meyers› In an interview with the newspaper The Sun, President Trump said immigration has changed the fabric of Europe, adding, “And I don’t mean that in a positive way.” Said Trump, “I mean it in a racist way.” — Seth Meyers› On the other side of the world, new details about Secretary of State Mike Pompeo’s ill-fated trip to North Korea last week. Sources say the meeting went “as badly as it could have gone.” Pompeo was supposed to meet with Kim Jong Un, but got snubbed because now, according to North Korean state media, Kim Jong Un was busy visiting a potato farm. For real. Which caused a huge reaction in North Korea. They’re like, “What? We have potatoes?” — Jimmy Kimmel› … to be fair, a lot of people have trouble telling the difference between Mike Pompeo and a potato. You say potato, I say Pompeo. Potato, Pompeo, let’s call the nuke deal off. — Stephen Colbert› Trump claims Germany is controlled by Russia because 35 percent of their natural gas comes from Russia. It’s true, we’re all controlled by the people who give us our gas, which is why I’m forever beholden to the Chevron on Route 3. When they invaded the Pizza Hut next door, I said nothing. What could I do? — Stephen Colbert› Anybody watch the testimony before the House Judiciary Committee? It was a parliamentary smackdown. The Capitol Dome became the Thunderdome, all during the testimony of FBI agent Peter Strzok. — Seth Meyers› Republicans see [Strzok’s] texts as proof of a vast conspiracy within the FBI to stop Donald Trump from being elected president. And here’s how devious and how deep they went: In order to keep it a secret, they let him get elected president. — Seth Meyers› Right from his opening statement, Strzok came out swinging, saying, “I have the utmost respect for Congress’ oversight role, but I strongly believe today’s hearing is just another victory notch in Putin’s belt.” After the last two years, I’m not sure Putin has any belt left. It’s all notch at this point. — Seth Meyers› On Friday [President Trump] had tea with the queen — and on Friday, it seemed like a big deal that he walked in front of the queen, which is apparently a no-no, a royal faux pas. You’re not supposed to turn your back on the queen, or pour ketchup in her tea, or take the hat off her head and swat a fly with it. You’re not supposed to do any of those things. — Jimmy Kimmel› But that turned out to be nothing compared with what happened in Finland this morning. Helsinki has frozen over. The president of the United States today publicly sided with Russia over our own FBI on the subject of cyber attacks on our election campaign. After Trump was asked to weigh in on Russia’s role as hack master in the 2016 election — something the FBI, the Justice Department and even Trump’s own Secretary of State say happened, without question — Trump finally had the chance to publicly castigate [Vladimir] Putin for trying to disrupt our democracy. This is what our commander in chief chose to do: [clip of Trump] “My people came to me, Dan Coats and some others, they said they think it’s Russia. President Putin just said it’s not Russia. I will say this: I don’t see any reason why it would be.” Well, I guess that settles it! — Jimmy Kimmel› This wasn’t a good day for Donald Trump. We haven’t seen an American so owned by a Russian since “Rocky IV.” — Jimmy Kimmel› But after their time together, Putin did say that the meeting went very well. In fact, it went so well that Putin said he might make Trump president for another four years. — Jimmy FallonSource: www.newsmax.com