Punchlines

Quickies

Q: Why didn’t the farmer tell his dog any sheep jokes?

A: Because he’d herd them all.

Q: Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?

A: Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

Q: What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A: A goat.

Q: Did you hear about the wooden tractor?

A: It had wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden work.

Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor?

A: It turned into a field.

Q: What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?

A: A transfarmer.

Q: What do you call the horse in the stall next door?

A: Your neighbor.

Q: How did the farmer find his lost cow?

A: He tractor down.

Q: Why did the farmer call his pig “Ink”?

A: Because it was always running out of the pen.

Q: Why do ducks have tail feathers?

A: To cover their quacks.

Turnaround

Do you want to hear a joke backwards?

Yes?

OK, start laughing.

Voice commands

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”

The other voice goes: “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”

Weather alert

Did you hear about the tornado that destroyed a French cheese factory?

All that was left was de Brie.

Pig logic

On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

“Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about,” said the city slicker, “but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn’t it save a lot of time?”

“Time?” said the farmer. “What does time matter to a pig?”

Meaning of life

A guy goes to a new doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive tests, the doctor says the man is doing “fairly well” for his age.

The man’s a bit worried by that, so he asks, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80, Doc?”

The doctor says, “Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?”

The man says, “No, nothing like that. And I don’t do drugs either.”

The doctor says, “OK, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

The man says, “No, my previous doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy.”

The doctor says, “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking or bicycling?”

The man replies, “No, nothing like that.”

The doctor says, “And do you gamble, drive fast cars or have a lot of sex?”

The man says, “No, nothing like that, Doc.”

The doctor says, “Then why do you even care?”

Driver’s revenge

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner one day to grab some lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, a coffee and a slice of apple pie.

Just as he was about to eat them, three big hairy bikers walked in.

The first biker grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger and took a big bite from it.

The second biker picked up the trucker’s coffee and downed it in one gulp.

The third biker ate the trucker’s apple pie.

The truck driver didn’t do anything or say a word as all this went on.

When they finished, he just paid the waitress and left.

The first biker said to the waitress, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?”

“He’s not much of a driver, either,” the waitress replied. “He’s just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles.”

Wine wisdom

‘ I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. It’s a Bordeaux collie.

‘ I’m a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

‘ It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There’s clearly room for more wine.

‘ I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

‘ The secret of enjoying a good bottle of wine: Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

‘ It’s funny how eight glasses of water a day seems impossible. But eight glasses of wine can be done in one meal.

‘ Did you know that wine doesn’t make you fat? It makes you lean. Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and unattractive people.

‘ I can’t wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.

‘ The first item on my bucket list is to fill the bucket with wine.

Current events

‘ A couple in Florida are getting married and instead of wedding presents, they’ve asked for money to buy goats. Even crazier, one couple they invited was like, “Finally, a chance to regift this goat.” – Jimmy Fallon

‘ In honor of World Emoji Day, Apple has announced it’s adding cupcake, kangaroo, and lettuce symbols. A cupcake, a kangaroo, and lettuce, or as Outback Steakhouse calls it, a salad. – Seth Meyers

‘ The makers of Crocs have announced they’re coming out with a high-heeled shoe. While the wearers of Crocs have announced they’re going to give plaid shorts a try. – Seth Meyers

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.