Punchlines

Accident reports

The following are said to be from actual insurance claims:

* The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

* The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

* I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he’d been knocked over before.

* Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

* In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

* I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

* I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

* My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

* As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

* I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

* I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

* The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

* I was thrown from my car as it left the road and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

* I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

* The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

* The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

Current events

* I saw that “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek grew a beard. When his wife saw it, she said, “What is that on your face?” – Jimmy Fallon

* After losing all 16 of their games last season, the Cleveland Browns’ first game of the year ended in a tie. Yep, the Cleveland Browns: Even when they don’t lose, they don’t win. – Jimmy Fallon

* A man in New York yesterday bought a $10 million winning lottery ticket while at a convenience store to buy treats for his dog. Which came as a major disappointment to his dog. “You didn’t get the treats?” – Seth Meyers

* A man in Florida has been arrested for stealing over $5 million from his job at a local credit union to produce movies. He apparently got caught after the release of his new documentary, “How I Stole $5 Million From My Local Credit Union.” – Seth Meyers

-According to a recent report, NASA is looking into selling naming rights to their spacecraft. Not only will it affect the rockets, imagine the countdown. “18, 17, 16, 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more on your car insurance, 14.” – James Corden

* NASA’s administrator has directed the space agency to look at boosting its brand by selling naming rights to rockets and spacecraft. Look, I love space travel. I get that NASA needs cash, but I think corporate sponsorship might have changed the moon landing. [Video of moon landing with voice-over] “That’s one small step for man, one comfortable leap thanks to Dr. Scholl’s Insoles. Houston, I’m gellin’.” – Stephen Colbert

* An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay titled “How to Murder Your Husband” was arrested yesterday, for the alleged murder of her husband. But her lawyer is more concerned about her other essay, “How to Poison Your Lawyer.” – Seth Meyers

* There’s a new documentary about dating apps called “Swiped.” Did you guys hear about this? People thought the preview looked good, but when they showed up, it looked like a completely different movie. – Jimmy Fallon

* Fashion Week wrapped up today here in New York City. It’s very cool, actually. Everything on the runway will be in stores by 2019 and on the floor at T.J. Maxx by 2030. – Jimmy Fallon

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.