Seriously
A selection from Twitter’s Anti-Joke cat, whose motto is “I don’t do jokes.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was startled by a loud noise and crossed the road to get way from what it thought was a predator.
***
What has nine legs, four feet and is orange?
Nothing.
***
Guess what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.
***
What did the Hungarian say before he went to bed?
“I’m going to bed,” but he said it in Hungarian.
***
Why did the fish fall off the bike?
Because it’s a fish. Are you stupid?
***
What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common?
Both are not a lamp.
***
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
The postman.
The postman who?
Look, do you want this parcel or not?
***
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But roses can also be white,
And violets should be purple.
***
What do you call a fly with no wings?
Still a fly. The irony is unfortunate, but the name doesn’t change.
***
Did you fall from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Feline heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours. All you have to do is ask.”
Lisa DentonThe cats says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.”
God says, “Say no more.” Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat.
The mice said, “All our lives we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.”
God says, “Say no more.” Instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to see how the cat is doing. He finds him sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”
The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”
On strike
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Inside, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table and there was a small pile of sand by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse.
He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her in bewilderment and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “You know how every day when you come home from work, you ask me what in the world did I do today?”
“Yes,” he replied reluctantly.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it!!”
Time management
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”
“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.
“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Late Night Laughs: Current events
› Today was April Fools’ Day, so if you saw anything in the news that was positive, that’s why. — Seth Meyers› Trump is still concerned with our southern border. In response to a surge of migrants coming into this country, Trump unveiled a new approach that treats asylum seekers fairly and humanely. April Fools’! I gotcha. — Stephen Colbert› I heard that pretty soon Walgreens was going to start selling CBD products in their stores. Meanwhile, you can get actual weed at any Walmart if you just raise your eyebrows at the right employee. — Jimmy Fallon› Indiana mayor and Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg has announced his campaign has raised $7 million in the last three months. But unfortunately he’s just going to use the money to buy more vowels. — Seth Meyers (showing the mayor’s name spelled “Buittigieigie”)› Wait, so [Attorney General William Barr’s statement] wasn’t supposed to be a summary? That’s kind of an important detail to leave out. That’s like reading the line, “The prince and the princess lived happily ever after” in a fairy tale, and then you turn the page and there’s a note saying, “That was not — and should not — be mischaracterized as the ending. They got divorced the next day.” — Seth MeyersOn the accusation by former Nevada assemblywoman Lucy Flores that former Vice President Joe Biden touched her inappropriately:› It’s not a good look for Biden. If any other women come forward and say he acted inappropriate, he could get elected president. — Jimmy Fallon› “Mm, is that Garnier Fructis? Are you relaxed yet? No? You actually seem more tense than when I started. Here, let me kiss the top of your head.” — Stephen Colbert, imitating Biden› Honestly, smelling hair is one of the creepiest things you can do. It’s on the list of creepy things — it’s right after “collecting doll parts” and “sneezing with your eyes open.” — Trevor NoahSource: The New York Times