Laugh Lines

Tax time

» The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they’ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you’re at it, too. – Jimmy Kimmel

» It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil and stab yourself in the aorta. – Dave Barry

» [Suggested simplified tax form:] How much money did you make last year? Mail it in. – Stanton Delaplane

» If you get up early, work late and pay your taxes, you will get ahead – if you strike oil. – J. Paul Getty

» The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling. – Paula Poundstone

» On my income tax [Form] 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check mark about 3 inches away. – Tom Lehrer

» Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag. – Jay Leno

» Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands. – Jimmy Kimmel

» I’m not going to pay taxes. When they say I’m going to prison, I’ll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we’ll call it even. – Jimmy Kimmel

Bacon wisdom

» Bacon is red. Bacon is rough. One strip of bacon is never enough.

» Everyone is entitled to an opinion, except people who don’t like bacon.

» Don’t think of it as grease splatter. Think of it as bacon kisses.

» I want to grow my own food, but I can’t find any bacon seeds.

» There is no “we” in bacon. So don’t even ask.

» If by “crunches” you mean the sound bacon makes when you eat it, then yes, I do crunches.

» I saw a fir tree with bacon growing from it the other day. Turned out to be a porkypine.

» What do you call a pig that likes to take off her clothes? Bacon strips.

» How to make a BLT: B = Bacon. L = Little More Bacon. T = Top It Off With Bacon.

» That’s too much bacon … said no one ever.

Silly stuff

Did you hear about …

» The guy who had to close his matchmaking business for chickens? He couldn’t make hens meet.

» The band called 1,023 megabytes? They were pretty good, but they never made a gig.

» The miner who went looking for gold? It didn’t pan out.

» The blackjack dealer who quit his job? He was offered a better deal.

» The nun who got expelled from the convent? Too many dirty habits.

» The dog who went to the flea circus? He stole the show.

Watch out

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, “Have you got the time?” Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.

“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out,” and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world but for the 86 largest cities. He hits a few buttons and a voice from the watch says, “The time is 11 ’til 6” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.

Jake says, “I’ve put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality, and the voice is simply astounding.”

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

“That’s not all,” says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.

“View recede 10,” Jake says, “and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.

“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs,” says the inventor.

“But look at this,” and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far,” says Jake.

“I’ve got to have this watch!” says the stranger.

“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready!”

“I’ll give you $1,000 for it!”

“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than … “

“I’ll give you $5,000 for it!”

“But it’s just not … “

“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” the stranger says as he pulls out his checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now – $15,000. Take it or leave it.”

Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK,” he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

“Hey, wait a minute,” calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don’t forget your batteries.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.