Joyful noise
(Author unknown.)
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home, and his wife asked him how it was.
“Well,” said the farmer. “It was good. They did something different however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.”
Seth Meyers’ favorite jokes of the week (April 8):
› According to a new poll, former Vice President Joe Biden now has a double-digit lead over Bernie Sanders in the Iowa Caucus. It’s the most space Biden has ever given anyone.› President Trump attacked the Russia investigation today and called the probe an attempted coup. Well, I’m saying “coo,” but you just know he said “coop.”› Authorities in New York City yesterday declared a public-health emergency in Brooklyn due to a measles outbreak. Said Brooklyn residents, “But it’s vintage!”› According to Politico, while on a guided tour of Mount Vernon last year, President Trump couldn’t understand why George Washington didn’t name the compound after himself, saying, “If he was smart, he would’ve put his name on it.” Trump then added, “But I guess he was stupid,” before returning to Washington, D.C.› Authorities in Pennsylvania are searching for a suspect who stole $21,000 worth of products from a Victoria’s Secret store. Officials describe the suspect as a 6-foot male with no idea what his girlfriend wants for her birthday.Source: YouTube.com
“Praise choruses?” asked the wife. “What are those?”
“Oh, they’re OK. They’re sort of like hymns, only different,” said the farmer.
“Well, what’s the difference?” asked the wife.
The farmer said, “Well it’s like this. If I were to say to you: ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a hymn.
“If, on the other hand, I were to say to you: ‘Martha, Martha, Martha, oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, in the CORN, CORN, CORN, COOOOORRRRRNNNNN.’
“Then if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that would be a praise chorus.”
As luck would have it, the exact same Sunday a young, new Christian from the city church attended the small-town church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.
“Well,” said the young man, “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs.”
“Hymns?” asked the wife. “What are those?”
“They’re OK. They’re sort of like regular songs, only different,” said the young man.
“Well, what’s the difference?” asked the wife.
The young man said, “Well it’s like this. If I were to say to you: ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well, that would be a regular song. If on the other hand, I were to say to you:
Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, glorious truth.
For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense,
Hearkenest they in God’s sun or his rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.
Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn chewed.
So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.’
Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four, and change keys on the last verse, well that would be a hymn.”
Into the light
* How many evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb must repent of its darkness and be willing to be changed.
* How many guitar-playing worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb? One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
* How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
* How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? Ten: one to change the bulb and nine to pray against the darkness.
* How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? Three: one to cast it out and two more to catch it as it falls. Alternate answer: Only one: Hands were already in the air.
* How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. They always use candles. (Serious talk: When fire officials entered Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral to assess the damage after the devastating fire Monday, candles lighted by visitors hours before were still burning in the nave, untouched by the blaze that destroyed part of the roof and the spire.)
* How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? At least 15. One to change the light bulb and two or three committees to approve the change. And also one to provide a casserole.
* How many Independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, because any more than that would be ecumenicalism.
* How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb? Six: one woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
* How many Anglicans/Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
* How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
* How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? Five: one man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
* How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
* How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
* How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? What’s a light bulb??
* How many Mennonites does it take to change a light bulb? One hundred and sixty: 40 people in the light bulb selection committee; 40 people in the light bulb purchasing committee; 40 people in the light socket location committee and 40 people in the electricity modulator committee.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.