From the world’s largest arts festival, UK website I News has picked 60 one-liners editors say deserved to win Funniest Joke at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. A sampling:
* “I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.” – Gary Delaney
* “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis
* “Crime in multistory car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine
Seth Meyers’ favorite jokes of the week (Aug. 12):
› Former Vice President Joe Biden apologized this weekend after misspeaking at an event and saying, “Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.” Adding, “Sorry, that came out gay.”› Authorities in South Carolina have dropped drug charges against a college football player after a test proved that a white substance on the hood of his car was bird poop, not cocaine, though I can understand their suspicion, because everyone knows the best place to hide cocaine is on the hood of your car.› The New York Times is reporting that former Vice President Joe Biden is trying to reduce his number of gaffs by using a teleprompter for speeches. Unfortunately, he’s already been caught on camera massaging it.› Former Colorado governor John Hickenlooper announced today he is dropping out of the presidential race and released a three-minute video thanking his supporters — by name.
* “I picked up a hitchhiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.” – Emo Philips
* “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney
* “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought, ‘This could be interesting.'” – Paddy Lennox
* “I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
* “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” – Alexei Sayle
* “I’m looking for the girl-next-door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house to house till I find her.” – Lew Fitz
* “I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella.’ But he hesitated.” – Andy Field
* “I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault; it’s a condition. There’s a name for it ” – Jimeoin
* “I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.” -Ed Byrne
* “Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!'” – Alasdair Beckett-King
* “A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.” – Angela Barnes
* “As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veggies are grocer.” – Adele Cliff
* “I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the ark.” – Adam Hess
* “Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home,’ yet when you put them in one ” – Stuart Mitchell
* “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” – Mark Watson
* “Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an Ikea bed, which is mad because those places are really well lit.” – Mark Smith
* “Brexit is a terrible name; sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” – Tiff Stevenson
* “I often confuse Americans and Canadians – by using long words.” – Gary Delaney
* “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” – Jordan Brookes
* “If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.” – Olaf Falafel
* “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” – Arthur Smith
* “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” – Zoe Lyons
* “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soy seems to be the hardest word.” – Phil Nicol
* “What’s the difference between a hippo and a ‘Zippo? One is really heavy; the other is a little lighter.” – Masai Graham
* “Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.” – Mark Nelson
* “Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day.” – Tom Parry
* “If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” – Ian Smith
* “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” – Tom Ward
* “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” – Ria Lina
* “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” – Paul F. Taylor
* “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.” – Felicity Ward
* “I’m entering the world’s tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off.” – William Andrews
* “Why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it the Great British Break Off?” – Alex Edelman
* “Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.” – Christian Talbot
* “Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.” – Richard Stott
* “A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.'” – Jake Lambert
* “A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it.” – Ross Smith
* “I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it.” – Adele Cliff
Money matters
* Remember the Golden Rule: Those who have the gold make the rules.
* The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.
* Who was the world’s first stockbroker? Noah – he floated his stock while the world was in liquidation.
* An investor to his adviser: Is all my money really gone? The adviser replies: Of course not. It’s just with somebody else.
* Money can’t buy you true love. It does, however, improve your bargaining position.
* Fred says: My wife’s purse was stolen the other day. It had all her credit cards in it. I was going to report it, but the thief is spending less than she was.
* If we really did profit from our mistakes, most of us would be extremely rich by now.
* Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
Bearly there
Bubba and Earl are on a hunting trip. Earl says, “Bubba, have you ever hunted bear?”
Bubba says, “No, but I went shooting in my shorts once.”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.