Laugh Lines

Brain surgery

Phil Gilles reports that he was standing in line at the Starbucks inside Erlanger the other day when the barista informed him that he would have to let the two people who had walked up behind him go first.

“Why is that?” he asked.

“Because they’re brain surgeons,” said the barista. “Brain surgeons always cut ahead.”

With apologies

Sam Franks and Frank Sams are best friends and do everything together. Then Sam Franks dies. Frank Sams is so bereft, he dies a week later.

When he gets to heaven, he asks St. Peter where Sam Franks is. St. Peter tells him that Sam Franks went the other direction and has opened a disco. Frank Sams says he wants to go see him. St. Peter says that’s not really how things work in heaven, but Frank Sams is so insistent that St. Peter reluctantly agrees to let him make a brief visit to his old pal.

But he tells him, “It’s going to be quick.”

So Frank Sams arrives in hell, finds his buddy and gives him a big bear hug. But just then, Frank Sams is whisked back to heaven.

Frank Sams calls out, “Wait, wait. I can’t come back yet. I left my harp in Sam Franks’ disco.”

Quickies

Q: What’s the difference between a pet dog and a pet tree?

A: The bark is quieter.

Q: What is a sea monster’s favorite snack?

A: Ships and dip.

Q: How do you fix a broken pizza?

A: With tomato paste.

Q: What happens when the fog lifts in California?

A: UCLA.

Q: Whats the difference between weather and climate?

A: You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.

Downer

As the man took his seat on an airplane, he saw that he was seated next to a beautiful young woman.

As he sat down, he asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

She said, “Yes, but I wasn’t prepared to pay.”

Windshield notes

Messages to inconsiderate parkers, from Cleverst.com:

* Yeah, if you could go ahead and park in your own spot, that’d be great.

* Thanks for always parking across the path. It gives me the chance to be a movie star and slide across your hood now and then. Try it. It’s awesome!

* Dear Blue BMW, You look rich. You should buy yourself some parking lessons. You took two spots. What happens when my handicapped grandmother comes to visit? Her death is on your shoulders.

* I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking to park further away, I can tell you I don’t have more space. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long life. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you pull up in your space, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will box you in.

Lottery fever

The guy goes into the convenience store and asks for a lottery ticket. “I want to be a millionaire,” he announces. “Just like my dad.”

The clerk says, “Oh, wow, you’re dad’s a millionaire?”

The guy says, “No, but he always wanted to be.”

Farmville

A dying grandmother tells her granddaughter, “I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash.”

The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, “Oh my, granny, you are so generous. I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?”

With her last breath, her granny whispered, “Facebook.”

The difference

A young guy tells the hotel receptionist, “I’d like a single room please.”

“Certainly, sir,” says the receptionist. “With bath or shower?”

The guy is a bit short of cash, so he asks, “What’s the difference?”

“You have to stand in the shower,” says the receptionist.

Ulterior motives

Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, “Hello!”

The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is out of earshot, he mumbles, “God, I wonder what that was all about?”

Misunderstood Contributed by Giorgiss at www.ijokes.eu:

* I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, shark! Help!” I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.

* “Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss. “Just pop it in the corner,” he said. It took me three hours.

* I asked my wife what she’d like for her birthday. “Ooh, I don’t know,” she giggled, “Surprise me!” So I’ve got her an inflatable crocodile. She’ll never be expecting that.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.