Laugh Lines

Circulation story

Two blood cells met and fell in love. Alas, it was all in vein.

A collection of foodie quotes as compiled by British newspaper The Telegraph (www.telegraph.co.uk):

» The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook. – Chef Julia Child

» Step one: Determine how much pasta you will need. Step two: WRONG. – Common Twitter joke

» Cucumber should be well sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar and thrown out. – English writer Samuel Johnson

» Kissing don’t last: cookery do. – Victorian poet George Meredith

» I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want two thousand of something. – American comedian Mitch Hedberg

» I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. – American comedian/writer W.C. Fields

» The secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. – American author Mark Twain

» Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup. – American writer Henry Miller

» My doctor told me I had to stop throwing intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people. – American actor/director Orson Welles

» He was a bold man that first ate an oyster. – Irish author and satirist Jonathan Swift

» The waitress said did I want my pizza cut into four or eight slices? I said: Four. I don’t think I could eat eight. – Baseball legend Yogi Berra

» The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. – American novelist Calvin Trillin

» The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again. – American comedian George Miller

» I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded. Dead. – American actor/director Woody Allen

» The thought of 2,000 people crunching celery at the same time horrified me. – Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw on declining an invitation to a vegetarian gala dinner

» The secret of our long marriage is taking the time to go to the restaurant twice a week. A little candlelit dinner, soft music, dancing. She goes Tuesdays. I go Thursdays. – American comedian Henny Youngman

» My rule of life, prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite, is smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them. – Former British prime minister Winston Churchill

» If you’re afraid of butter, use cream. – Julia Child

» Fish, to taste right, must swim three times: in water, in butter and in wine. – Polish proverb

» We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie. – American playwright David Mamet

» The saddest thing in life is to marry a woman who looks like a cook – and isn’t. – American humorist Evan Esar

» Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin. – English author and humorist P.G. Wodehouse

Play time

“Oh, no!” the kangaroo groaned to her friend, the rabbit. “The forecast calls for rain.”

“What’s the problem with that?” asked the rabbit. “We could use some rain.”

“Sure,” the kangaroo said. “But that means my kids will have to play inside all day!”

Westinghouse

A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap.

“What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks.

The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?”

“Um, yes,” the man replies. “It is.”

“Well then,” the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”

Stand back

While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A boy ran to pick it up.

“Don’t bother, young man,” said the customer. “It’s self-rising.”

The painter

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”

Mayday

As a cruise ship passes by a remote island, the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

Movie buddy

One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater.

“I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir,” the manager says.

“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved,” the man says.

“All right then,” the manager says. “If you’re sure.”

After the movie, the manager says to the man, “I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well-behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”

“Yes, I was surprised, too,” says the man. “He hated the book.”

A woman saw a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free french fries.

“Sounds great,” she said and ordered some.

She watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.

“Wait a minute,” the woman said. “Those don’t look fat-free.”

“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free!”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.