Backtrack
Joe called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey, Baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose-down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff, crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Joe continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
More to come
Deep in the backwoods of Kentucky, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.”
Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.
“Hang on,” said the doctor. “Don’t put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.”
Sure enough, with a few minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
“Wait,” exclaimed the doctor. “Keep the lantern up. I think there’s another one!”
Within a few minutes, he had delivered a third baby.
“I believe there’s another one coming,” he announced.
The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”
Sold!
A 16-year-old boy comes home with a brand new Ford 150.
His parents look on in amazement as he pulls into the driveway.
“Where did you get that truck?” his mother asks him.
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money? says his father, knowing what a new top-of-the-line pickup costs.
“With my money,” the teen says. “It only cost me $15.”
His parents can’t believe what they’re hearing.
“Who would sell a truck like for $15?” he demands.
“The lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bicycle and asked me if I wanted to buy an F150 for $15.”
“Oh my goodness,” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has dementia or something. John, you better go see what’s what going on.”
So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the woman lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a new pickup for $15 and asks to know why she did it.
She says, “Well, two days ago, my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday, I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary.”
“I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and the truck?”
She says, “Well, this morning, my husband called and said he was stranded because he had been robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell the new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”
Juggling lesson
A Georgia state trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 2 miles north of Macon.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on the way to Atlanta to do a show for the children’s hospital. He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver could do a little juggling for him he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got out five flares, lit them and handed them to the entertainer.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the state trooper’s car. A drunken good old boy got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper went over asked the good old boy what he was doing.
The guy replied, “You might as well take me to jail ’cause there’s no way I can pass that sobriety test.”
Wrong way
A man had left home for his doctor’s appointment when the wife saw on the news that someone was driving down the interstate in the wrong direction.
Knowing that her husband was taking that route, she called to warn him. “Honey, there’s a car going in the wrong direction.”
“It’s worse than that,” he told her. “They’re all going in the wrong direction.”
Hue and cry
A husband tells his wife, “Since it is your birthday, remember that yellow Lamborghini that you really wanted?”
The wife screams and starts crying tears of joy.
Then the husband says, “Well I got you a toothbrush, same color.”
Pick one
A father asks his young son, “Who do you love more, me or Mommy?”
The son says, “I love you both.”
The father says, “Very well. Let’s say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France. Which country would you go to?”
The son says, “Japan.”
The father says, “See, you love Mommy more than me.”
The son says, “No, I just want to visit Japan.”
The father says, “Very well. Let’s say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France. Which country would you go to?”
The son says, “France.”
The father says, “I knew it. You love Mommy more.”
The son says, “No, I just went to Japan.”
Try indolence
A man told his doctor he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house like he used to.
When the examination was complete, he said “Now, Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“OK,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
Up late
A guy tells his co-worker, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.”
“What is she doing?” the co-worker asks.
The guy says, “Waiting for me to get home.”
Go again?
The wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks her husband, “So how do I look?”
He says, “Well, at least you tried.”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Late-Night Laughs: Eerily familiar
If it seems like we’ve been here before, it’s because we have — this time with the longest partial government shutdown in U.S. history. Here’s how the late-night pundits reacted to the shutdown over Obamacare in 2013.* How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up? — Jay Leno* It’s day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king? — David Letterman* It’s gotten too bad that after years of sliding poll numbers, now the approval ratings of Congress has hit a record low of just 5 percent. There are a lot of pressing questions, namely, who’s in the 5 percent that still approves of Congress? — Jimmy Fallon* Today was day 10 of the government shutdown. At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us? — Jimmy Kimmel* The federal government has shut down, and 800,000 federal employees are out of work. That explains why tonight our entire studio audience is made up of park rangers and astronauts. — Conan O’Brien* The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant Leap of Faith Sushi. — Conan O’Brien* This whole government shutdown thing comes down to who will blink first. Well, we know it won’t be Nancy Pelosi. We know that for sure because she hasn’t blinked since the last shutdown. — Jay Leno* The Senate passed a bill to keep the government running, but of course the teabaggers are still insisting on defunding Obamacare or they will blow the whole place up. Why are we asking them again? It’s like saying to someone, “Put your baby back on the phone.” — Bill MaherSource: www.thoughtco.com