Late-Night Laughs
Seth Meyers’ favorite jokes of the week (Jan. 21):› Sen. Kamala Harris announced today that she will run for president in 2020. I wish her luck, but I don’t know. Is America really ready for a president?› An Arizona state legislator introduced a bill yesterday that would tax people to watch internet porn and use the money to fund President Trump’s border wall. Wait. So you can’t find anyone to pay for the wall, but you think you’re gonna find anyone who still pays for internet porn?› President Trump tweeted this morning that crime will go down by record numbers if his border wall is built. But only if we build it with him on the other side.› A recall was issued last week for a brand of ready-to-eat chicken nuggets following complaints that packages had pieces of wood in them. And if there’s one thing chicken-nugget consumers don’t want, it’s a natural ingredient.› President Trump pushed for his border wall on Twitter this morning by repeatedly posting the phrase, “Build a wall and crime will fall.” That’s great and everything, but you will probably be impeached before they could finish a wall, so maybe “Leave the fence for President Pence”?Source: www.Facebook.com/LateNightSeth
Maybe somewhere
A photo of “Game of Thrones” character Eddard Stark in full “Winter Is Coming” regalia was posted to Facebook on Monday, with this portentous message:
Brace yourselves: Snow pics of people’s decks are coming.
Funny fortunes
Modern messages for fortune cookies:
» You love Chinese food.
» Help! I’m being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.
» You will read this and say, “Geez! I could come up with better fortunes than that.”
» Your friends secretly agree your head is the wrong size for your body.
» Your mom says hi.
» You are about to become $8.95 poorer ($6.95 if you had the buffet).
» No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
» The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
» A good way to stay healthy is to eat more Chinese food.
» You will be hungry again in one hour.
Lisa Denton» Only listen to fortune cookie. Disregard all other fortunetelling units.
» To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
» Ignore previous cookie.
» You are not illiterate.
» Run!
» Eating Chinese food alone? At least it’s not Valentine’s Day.
» If you think we’re going to sum up your whole life on this little piece of paper, you’re crazy.
» Avoid taking unnecessary gambles. Lucky numbers: 12, 14, 17, 20, 28, 36.
» Man is like a parachute. If he is not there the first time you need him, then you will not need him again.
» People will accept your ideas more easily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
» You will marry a professional athlete – if competitive eating can be considered a sport.
» Stop procrastinating – starting tomorrow.
» Blessed are the children, for they shall inherit the national debt.
» About time I got out of that cookie.
Moral of the story
There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.
Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.
Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe’s elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth and stay within traditional guidelines.
After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.
Soon, the king’s tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.
Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.
The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: “People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.”
Math and history
A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede just outside London. They gather around the guide who says, “This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.”
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, “When did that happen?”
“1215,” answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, “Gee whiz – just missed it by half an hour.”
Machinations
Ed walks into the gym and sees a bunch of women working out. He asks the guy running the place, “What machine should I use to impress the ladies?”
The guy says, “Try the ATM in the lobby.”
Copy that
A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 p.m., he sees the general standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
“Do you know how to work this thing?” the general asks. “My secretary’s gone home, and I don’t know how to run it.”
“Yes, sir,” says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the general and feeds it in.
“Now,” says the general, “I just need one copy.”
Noisy neighbors
Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.
“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”
“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?”
“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.