That’ll be D-Day
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At the French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
“You ‘ave been to Franze before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
“Zen you should know enough to ‘ave your passport ready for inspection.”
The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”
“Dat is impossible! You Americans alwayz ‘ave to show your passports on arrival in Franze!”
The American gave the Frenchman a long, hard look, then explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ’44, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”
Coming and going
Upjokes.com has the latest on the U.K. prime minister:
Theresa May is going to resign as the prime minister in the first week of June. Which means that the first week of June is the last week of May.
Good advice
Remember, RSVP’ing back to a wedding invitation “maybe next time” is not the correct response.
Pages missing
From Twitter user @realtoughdad, vital chapters missing from pregnancy books:
* Juice Pouches: The Dos and Don’ts of Straw Punctures
* Yelling From the Bathroom: Acoustics Matter
* Bribery: Oh Yes You Will
* The 30-Minute Car Seat Workout
* Gross: Adjusting Your Definition
* Naked and Unafraid: A Toddler’s View on Nudity
* Why Is This Wet? (It’s Probably Not Water)
Summer vacation
A selection of summer vacation jokes sent in by readers to Boys’ Life magazine.
* Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland.
* Why did the robot go on summer vacation? He needed to recharge his batteries.
* Why don’t mummies go on summer vacation? They’re afraid to relax and unwind.
* Where do eggs go on summer vacation? New Yolk City.
* What did the bread do on vacation? Loafed around.
* Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer.
***
First dog: Where do fleas go for summer vacation?
Second dog: Search me!
***
First woman: My son came to visit for summer vacation.
Second woman: How nice. Did you meet him at the airport?
First woman: Oh, no. I’ve known him for years!
***
Monica: Where did your mom go for her summer vacation?
Josh: Alaska.
Monica: Never mind. I’ll ask her myself.
Seniors texting
Several websites provide handy lists of texting codes for senior citizens. BFF is not necessarily “best friends forever,” nor does BTW necessarily mean “by the way.”
ATD: At the doctor.
BFF: Best friend fell.
BTW: Bring the wheelchair.
BYOT: Bring your own teeth.
CBM: Covered by Medicare.
CGU: Can’t get up.
CUATSC: See you at the senior center.
DWI: Driving while incontinent.
FWIW: Forgot where I was.
FYI: Found your insulin.
GGPBL: Gotta go; pacemaker battery low.
GHA: Got heartburn again.
IMHO: Is my hearing-aid on?
LMDO: Laughing my dentures out.
LOL: Living on Lipitor.
OMMR: On my massage recliner.
OMSG: Oh my! Sorry, gas.
ROFLACGU: Rolling on floor laughing and can’t get up.
TTYL: Talk to you louder.
A push please
A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband looks at the clock and sees that it’s 3:30 in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this hour,” he thinks, and rolls back over.
A louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and there is a man standing on the porch. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??”
“No, get lost! It’s half past 3. I was in bed,” says the man, and he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock at that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy is drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help, and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and unable to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
“OK,” he says. “Where are you?”
And the drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including websites and reader submissions. Origins are included when known.
Late Night Laughs: Current events
Jimmy Fallon’s thank-you notes (a selection from May 24):› Thank you, “Whiskey Glasses,” “Dancing With a Stranger” and “Knocking Boots” for being songs on the Billboard Hot 100 this week. And a pretty good description of Fleet Week.› Thank you, Bran Stark, for making the same exact face I did at the end of “Game of Thrones.” [Bland nonexpression.]› Thank you, the Indy 500 and “Trampoline Fails” [YouTube video on repeat] for proving that if something is good enough, I’m willing to watch it 500 times in a row.› Thank you, diploma, for sounding less like something you get when you graduate, more like something you don’t want your doctor to diagnose you with. [Doctor voice] “I’m sorry, you have diploma.”› Thank you, top bunk, for letting me start my day with a light concussion.› Thank you, Memorial Day, for being that special day where we all gather ‘round to watch Dad burn his eyebrows off.› Thank you, Meals Ready to Eat, or as you’re also known, Beef Go-Gurt.Source: www.jimmyfallon.com