Tuck and roll
Seen on Facebook:
I’m only going to say this once. If you have to bathe and dress your kid, comb their hair, scramble them an egg and write them a sendoff letter before they can exit the car, YOU DO NOT BELONG IN THE SCHOOL DROP-OFF LINE. Only people who raised their kids to jump out of the car with backpacks loaded like they are storming the beaches of Normandy while the car is at a slow roll are allowed in the drop-off line. I will be giving stink eye warnings today, but tomorrow I’m issuing citations.
Twitter lessons
Things you can learn from other people’s tweets (spelling and grammar corrected).
* How to self-diagnose: In elementary school, when we would have to read out loud to the class from the textbook, I would literally count the kids in front of me and figure out what section I was reading so I could practice it before it got to my turn, and I think that’s where my anxiety started. @rach_simmz
* How to have a great funeral: If you pay me $50, I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella, regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret. @DanaSchwartzzz
* How to find things in a woman’s purse: Girls be like “Can you get my lip gloss from my purse? Just reach in and head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left ’til you pass three Nutri-Grain bars and take your next right, then head straight and it should be there. If you’ve hit the 2,007 Target receipts, you’ve gone too far.” @squidslippers
* How to get out of a ticket: The police just stopped me. Came up to my window and said, “Papers?” So I said, “Scissors.” I won and drove off. [He] must want a rematch because he’s been chasing me for the past 10 minutes. @1Bagke
* How to freak out people at Starbucks: I saw a guy at Starbucks today. No iPhone. No tablet. No laptop. He just sat there. Drinking coffee. Like a psychopath. @SulzAli
* How to impress your significant other: Texting my crush “Hey, Infant,” instead of baby, so they know I’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus. @pienar
* How everybody’s mom looks at a cellphone photo: Me: Mum, look at this picture I took the other day. Mum: Ooh, hang on. [Finds glasses (11 minutes), puts on cardigan (four minutes), sits comfortably on the sofa (three minutes).] Me: [Hands her the phone.] Mum: [Hits home button] Ooh, it’s gone. @therealcbrad
* What bees are thinking: Bee 1: You get one chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat. Bee 2: Well, that guy’s over there walking. Bee 1: He’s doing what?!? @P_o_n_k
* How to pick your grandparent nickname: Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname, and people blow it every time. Why would you be Grampy when you could be Deathblade? @PFTompkins
* On paybacks: I can’t wait to get rich so I can take my momma shopping. So when she grabs something, I’m gonna say, “No, put it back.” @GloQvotes
Flight delay
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” he explained. “It took us a while to find a new pilot.”
Can it
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. When she went before the judge, he asked her, ‘What did you steal?’
She replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied that there were six.
The judge said, “Then I will give you six days in jail.”
Lisa DentonBefore the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
Life saver
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?”
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain’t never seen nobody do it!”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Late Night Laughs: #WorstSummerJob
Jimmy Fallon asked “Tonight Show” viewers to tweet their worst summer job experiences.* My first summer job was to be a drive-thru attendant at a local fried chicken spot. My proud dad drove through three times a day, ordering jalapeno corn muffins and yelling, “THAT’S MY DAUGHTER!” @emcubedcreative* I was a lifeguard at a 3-foot-deep lap pool. If someone claimed they were drowning, I just yelled, “yo, stand up!” @jbest3435* I spent a summer working at Abercrombie. When I asked my manager why I was always scheduled for stockroom shifts, he said, “Well, you don’t have what I call a ‘front-of-store’ face.” @v_i_price* I had a summer job where I would take “Made in China” stickers off things for my grandma so she could resell them for more at her craft show. I got 10 cents a sticker. @Mollie_Galvez* My first summer job was to dress as the Blimpie bear and wave at traffic. Then the competitor mascot, a giant pancake, came out bothering me, so a bunch of people watched a bear and a pancake fight in traffic. @laurieraney* When I was 10, my grandfather gave me $10 to be a human scarecrow on his farm. I stood there in the sun shouting at birds for an hour until my mom yelled at him. @MobsterLobsterr* I had to dress as a bison at a museum and be “hunted” by hordes of 5-year-olds. Once after being captured, a kid yelled, “It’s still alive,” then punched me in the face. @km_belland* I once worked at a place that had a burger called a Quickie. I had to ask every customer if they’d like to try a Quickie. @Kataztrophie