After multiple weeks of being told we need to stay home, a lot of folks’ nerves are frayed (parents in particular). While life might have been complicated before, keeping up with schedules, work and home, things seem 10 times more complicated now. Everybody is under the same roof all the time with nowhere to go for a break. Many parents are silently asking themselves how long they can actually survive this COVID-19 crisis with their family (and their sanity) intact.
It is true that most of us are not accustomed to spending so much time together. Things that you didn’t even know got on your nerves, now you know. And some of them are seemingly little things like the way someone chews their food, the amount of dirty laundry, the constant questions to which you still don’t know the answers and the way all your children seem so totally dependent on you to do everything, even though they are fully capable of doing it for themselves.
Honestly, it’s enough to make a parent ask, “Where do I go to resign?”
Before you turn in your notice, here are some things that might be helpful for all of us to consider.
Emotions are running high for everyone. There is tension in the air, and we feel it even if we don’t acknowledge it. It has its way of oozing out of people through petty bickering, short fuses, tears and an abundance of energy. The close proximity to others in your home may feel like someone has you in a stranglehold.
Even if you are in pretty close quarters, there are some things you can do to help your family avoid unhealthy behavior.
Recognize that your children are taking their cues from you. If you are really struggling with all that is going on, find ways to process your thoughts and best next steps. Even if things are upside down, if you are settled in the next steps you will take, your children will follow your lead. Your children need to know that you are working to ensure they are well cared for. This provides comfort and security, especially in times of uncertainty. It’s OK if you don’t know all the answers. Having rules, rituals, consistency and structure in place helps everyone to know what is expected of them and provides freedom within healthy boundaries.
Speaking of boundaries, establishing boundaries is helpful. It lets people know where the fence lines are for your family. If you haven’t had a family meeting to discuss what this looks like, now is a really good time to do that. Items up for discussion include: How will household chores get done, with whom outside of immediate family will we engage during this time of social distancing, what time is quiet time in the house (could be until a certain time in the morning, a period of time in the middle of the day and a time at the end of the day), where and for how long are people using screens (for work and for leisure), access to the kitchen and food limits. Getting in the groove of functioning as a team will not only help your family now, but it will serve them well in the future.
Even though your family is all together, don’t assume that people are automatically talking about the thoughts and feelings that are rolling around in their head. This is a scary time for everybody. Establishing a quick daily check-in makes it possible for you to share information, answer questions, talk about the flow of this particular day, address concerns and any misinformation anyone may have.
With everyone under one roof, it is helpful to establish times when people are expected to be in their own space away from everybody else. If your children share a bedroom, perhaps there is another location one of them could be. The goal is for people to have a break from being on top of each other. It can be as simple as going outdoors when the weather is nice, taking a long, hot shower or a walk in the rain. It may even help to get up earlier or stay up a little later to have time alone.
THE KNOW-HOWS
According to the authors of the Survival Skills for Healthy Families program, each person in the family needs to know:
* How to speak up and say what they need. The ability to say what you want helps others to know what you are thinking and feeling. It also opens the door for understanding.
* How to listen. As a listener, we can choose to seek connection, be respectful and look for understanding. Or we can react, fight and argue.
* How to cooperate. Teach your children how to find balance between their needs and the needs of other family members.
Realize that there is a time to talk and time to listen. Everyone wants to feel heard when they speak, so ensure that your home is a safe place for family members to express themselves and discuss things without being dismissed. Acknowledge your feelings, and really listen to work through the emotions you are experiencing. Show empathy and remember that if all this is hard to process as an adult, it can be even more challenging for younger family members to understand or express what they’re dealing with on the inside. Those things will probably show up in how they behave, so it will take some wisdom to dig deeper as you handle misbehavior while helping them understand their emotions.
It is highly likely you will encounter challenges while you are in close quarters. By looking for solutions together, you are modeling how to find answers to other sticky situations down the road. In order for your family to come out stronger on the other side of this pandemic, these are a few safeguards you can put in place now to help keep the peace in your home.
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at julieb@firstthings.org.
Julie Baumgardner