It finally happened. After endless campaign ads, talking heads, polls and vote counting, the election is over. Now we have to figure out how to move forward, especially if you live in a house divided.
One of you may be gloating over your candidate’s victory while your spouse is licking their wounds, wondering how the nation will survive the next four years. The elephant or the donkey in the room nobody really wants to talk about is: How will you navigate marriage in the midst of big political differences?
First word of advice: Be nice and kind. When our kids start playing sports, most parents drill into their kids, “Nobody likes a sore loser, and nobody likes a gloating winner.” You can feel strongly about your stance and still be generous in the way you love and care for one another.
Remember that your spouse is a multifaceted human being. Rarely do we look at a person and decide we can’t get along with them based on one aspect of who they are.
Make a list of all the qualities you love about your spouse so that on the particularly challenging days you can refer to it. Let it serve as a good reminder that there is a difference in how you feel about politics and how you feel about your spouse.
Be intentional about making sure you are having more positive than negative interactions when you are together. Research indicates a ratio of five positives for every one negative will keep your relationship in the green zone.
If you have been able to have civil conversation about politics in the past, but feel like things are too electrically charged right now, set some boundaries around what you will and will not have conversations about.
Be intentional about making time for fun together. Doing things you both enjoy together typically brings about smiles, laughter and playfulness between the two of you. On the inside, your brain is releasing dopamine, known as the “feel-good” hormone. It boosts your mood and makes you want to spend more time together because you associate that time with your spouse in positive ways and you want to repeat it.
Guard against taking their political perspective as a personal affront against you. Family, religion and region of the country where they were raised are all factors that contribute to a person’s political leanings. It likely has nothing to do with you, so your best move is to not engage.
Focus on what you DO have in common. It’s just human nature to pay attention to what divides you, but it’s really in the best interest of your marriage to consider all that you agree on. Chances are great there is more that unites you than divides you in your relationship.
When you get down to it, you probably both want what is best for our country; you just disagree on what exactly that is and the best way to get there. It’s likely true you both want what’s best for your relationship, too. Keep in mind, while elections come and go, you married each other for the long haul. When your marriage matters more than who wins or loses in the election, your marriage becomes the winning team.
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at julieb@firstthings.org.
Julie Baumgardner