I’ve always wanted to be a mom. As a kid, if you had asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have answered, “a mom.” In friend groups, I’ve always been the “mom” to everyone. When I thought about motherhood, I felt totally confident and prepared to become a mother.
But the day my daughter was born, all those things I thought would come naturally never came. And even now, three months into it, I’m still struggling with those late-night thoughts. I haven’t figured it out (not even close), but I can offer this to new moms like me: You’re not alone.
I’ve realized, for me at least, that these feelings aren’t just rooted in sadness or sleep deprivation, but grief.
After my husband, my daughter and I survived those first three weeks of postpartum and the fog somewhat lifted, I had a feeling that the Caroline I knew was gone, and a new life – a new person – had just begun. And while people told me to enjoy it and lean into this person I was becoming, I couldn’t do it. I liked the person I used to be and the life I had before motherhood. I didn’t want anything to change. But it had to.
I’ve grieved things as they used to be. I can no longer be on call for everyone’s every need. I can’t go out with friends at the drop of a hat. No more snuggling on the couch every night with my husband and our dog. Now, everything revolves around a feeding and sleeping schedule. I have to look for child care, turn down calls and visits, and set firm boundaries with friends and family.