All the kids have gone to sleep. The rush of the holiday season has passed. You and your spouse are lying in the bed and … Silence. You can’t think of anything you want to say, though there’s probably a lot of things you’d like to say. This is happening quite often. There are more and more moments where you and your spouse are together and there’s just silence.
How do you break the silence and start talking to your spouse again? Here are some ideas to try.
1. Do something together. Hiking, playing tennis, taking a dance class and attending events together create shared interests and experiences that lead to discussions about what each of you saw, heard and think about what you’re encountering. Dr. Howard Markman, co-director of the University of Denver’s Center for Marital and Family Studies, says the university’s research indicates the more you invest in fun, friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time.
2. Put your marriage before the children. You can get so busy tending to the needs of your children, work and community that the connection in your marriage suffers. According to neuropsychologist Paul Pearsall, author of “Super Marital Sex,” “The marriage comes first. All other people and events come after the marriage. Children, parents, work and play all benefit most by marital priority instead of marital sacrifice because the marriage is the central unit to all other processes.”
3. Be curious about your spouse. Take an interest and ask them about their dreams, goals and future desires. Ask them about the most impactful experiences in their childhood they believe frame who they are today. When you focus on learning and getting to know your spouse, you may hear about their secret fears and struggles. Look for those moments where you find yourself saying, “We’ve been married all this time and I never knew that about you!”