Where do we start?
I hate the draft. You probably did not know that.
So, of all the things I thought as the Atlanta Falcons pulled the trigger on Michael Penix Jr. at No. 8 overall Thursday night — and, no kidding, it caused me to turn off the draft — the lasting impression for me was my first newspaper hero.
I loved Lewis Grizzard growing up in Atlanta. He was funny. And moreover he was clever. And insightful. He wrote like a fan without sounding like a homer.
In fact, the best writing advice I ever got was from Grizzard, because he said imitate someone you think is great until you develop a style of your own.
I did that. And while I’m not entirely sure I have a style of my own, I know that they keep asking me to do this, you folks keep making it the most popular thing on our site and the checks are still clearing every other Friday.
But I thought about Grizzard because the Falcons picked a back-up QB who, best case scenario, will not see the field for three-plus years after I wrote all week about the need for pass rush and the win-now opportunity in the ATL.
In 1985, Grizzard was a megastar. He was doing general interest columns, long leaving sports behind, and even sitcoms like “Designing Women.”
But the week leading into the Georgia-Georgia Tech game, Grizzard — an unabashed UGA fan and alum — wrote a daily column about how Georgia was better than Tech in every way. The guys were cooler. The girls were prettier. And, yes, the football team was way, way better.
Well, on that November Saturday, Tech played like warrior poets and thumped Georgia after all the ballyhoo Grizzard had preached.
His Sunday column after the game looked like this:
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Brilliant, no?
That’s how I feel this morning after the Falcons Falconed.
Let’s handle our business.
Rushmore of people with the same name as a spice — Ginger Rogers, Dr Pepper, Salt (from Salt n Peppa — Push it good) and Rosemary Clooney, with all apologies to all the Spice Girls.
Rushmore of Barbara (with any of the various spellings) — Walters, Streisand, Mandrell and Greeson. Yes, my mother’s name was Barbera.
Rushmore of wrestlers who found the most success outside the ring — The Rock, John Cena, Hulk Hogan, Jesse Ventura.
Rushmore of suckers and be creative (and decent) — Sucker born every minute, Blo-Pops, “I’m Gonna Get You Sucker” and seersucker, which is a fine, spring Southern fabric.
You stay classy, Chattanooga.
Rules and all, here’s Paschall with the final college football story on Brock Bowers, the Georgia star tight end who the Raiders nabbed in the first round Thursday.
Side question: Since Herschel, Bowers and David Pollack are dunks on the UGA Rushmore. Who else is there? Looking at you, folks like Bearddawg and Dawg7497.
To the bag.
From Mark
I read that the U.S. Supreme Court is ruling soon on the constitutionality of non-compete clauses, which are now used broadly in employment contracts. Assuming they continue to be legal, how long until non-compete clauses worm their way into NIL deals. If say, you front-load a deal as a $1 million signing bonus to a freshman athlete that requires immediate payback if/when a player decides to hit the portal, that might slow down all the school switching. Face it, no 19-year-old is going to want to sell the G-wagon to pay back an already-spent NIL bonus.
Mark,
Not a fan of non-competes to be honest.
Still this is such a great question and this seems to be the most fixable part of the currently broken system of the NIL world.
Make the signing bonus just that, a check payable on signing. But make the majority of the NIL deals contingent on staying at said school for multiple years.
That would in a lot of ways also alleviate the portal consternation.
If the reports are true, the alleged deal that the UT NIL co-op gave Nico Whosehishelmet that was worth a reported $8 million was in large part payable if he stayed in Knoxville for at least three years.
That makes all the sense in the world to me.
From Steeler Fan
Can you please break the news to the draft fans in your audience that the NFL draft will sooner or later (probably sooner) be turned over completely to AI. Evidence: The best human chess players haven’t beaten the best chess playing computers under tournament conditions in almost 20 years. The number of possible combined moves in a chess game is 10(to the 40th power). And there are only 10(to the 80th power) atoms in the known universe.
As soon as they hook players up to sensors at the combine, and feed every available piece of college film into an AI program, and factor in the ramifications of every trade-up/trade-back scenario, and toss in every Wonderlich score, human coaches will have to be stupid to think they can compete with AI in real-time draft decisions.
Thoughts? I’ll step back while you power up that big-old, draft loving brain of yours.
P.S.: Predictions: By 2025, ESPN will flash a hypothetical AI pick before each card is read at the draft. By 2027: Every NFL team will have an AI play caller.
Steeler Fan,
Wow, so much to digest here, and could the Falcons get a redo and have AI make their pick 8?
Your points have great merit, and the AI analysis must be embraced sooner rather than later. Beyond the moving pieces in the forever long 15 minutes between first-round picks that feels like a hiccup for coaches and GMs, AI eliminates the human element, which is a good thing.
No GM worrying about keeping his job rather than doing his job.
No GM worrying about taking the “can’t miss” prospect who will miss while passing on the future Hall of Famer who fell 10 spots because he was too thin or too short or because the buzz turned sour.
It is a brilliant idea.
As for your predictions, well, ESPN already has AI making picks. It’s name is Mel Kiper, who I believe is a cyborg since he eats pumpkin pie every single day and knows the ins and outs of the nickel back at Akron, which is worse than knowing the words to a Nickelback song.
The play-calling possibilities are mind-blowing, because what happens when AI offense goes against AI defense? Is that the ultimate square off?
From Spy
Are there any commercials worse out there right now than the Golden Corral spots? Maybe the ones for Jardiance, with people dancing about their lower A1Cs?
Spy,
Yikes, bad commercials are a staple.
For Pete’s sake, the Three Bears from the nursery rhyme we all grew up with sing jingles about wiping their butts.
And don’t even get me started on the Pepto jingle.
But that’s the thing. Bad commercials are memorable, and the No. 1 job of marketing folks is to be memorable right?
Heck, they got diarrhea into a song.
From a lot of you
Draft winners or losers?
Gang,
There are a slew.
I think the Bears getting the WR from Washington is every bit as big as Caleb Williams. Not sure if the WR paints his nails or not, but there you go.
Loved what the Vikings did, getting JJ McCarthey at 10 after trading up and then trading up again and getting Alabama edge rusher Dallas Turner. (Man, what the hell are the Falcons doing?)
The Chiefs. Man, they missed Tyreek Hill’s speed, even as they went to win another Super Bowl. Now, super-strong-armed QB star Patty Mahomes can huddle his mates and say, “OK, Xavier Worthy on a 9 on 2, on 2, ready — BREAK.”
As for losers, well, I only have one.
OK, I have to address it regardless of Grizzard’s wisdom, right?
Here are but a few of the emails/social media posts I got after the Falcons wasted the No. 8 overall pick on a QB prospect who hopefully does not see the field for three years.
— After the Falcons picked a QB at #8, how long did it take for you to drive to ATL?
— Are you shocked tho Jay? Like they’re a terribly run franchise why would they do something that makes sense?
— That’s why I quit being a Falcons fan!
— Can Penix be an edge rusher too?
— Jay, Sorry for your loss! Lol.
— Back-up QB with the 8th pick?
— looks like you’re taking a road trip…
— Man, Penix is talented, but I can’t believe they’re taking a guy who has 2 torn ACLs to back up a guy coming off a torn Achilles…as the 8th overall pick.
— As soon as Atlanta picked, I wanted to see your response. Since I am not on twitter, I can google your name and see your latest posts. I thought you would be a little more upset…..Why do they sign Cousins and sign Pennix, that is so crazy. Bo would have been better if they wanted to do that but they have a full quarterback room. Does Cousins take this that the Falcons don’t believe in him? How do you not pick what you need?
The pick was terrible.
It was GM malpractice. Moreover it completely guts any confidence in the $160 million investment in Kirk Cousins. And Cousins himself for that matter.
Yikes. I have nothing else to say.
I hate the draft. I should remember this.
Have a great weekend, friends (but not you, Terry Fontenot).