When everybody was freaking out about the recent TikTok pause, my response was “meh.”
I was momentarily interested in TikTok a few years ago when my older son and his roommates at college made a video called Zoomnappers that got several million views, but then I never logged back on after that.
Recently, though, I’ve found myself under the influence of a Facebook feature called Reels, which has short videos edited for geezers like me with damaged attention spans.
The Reels experience is like being hypnotized by a talking poodle who’s smoking a pipe, like some kind of psychedelic dream.
I suspect some of the Reels videos start out on TikTok or Instagram but then migrate to Facebook. I think this because a lot of the videos get cut off in the middle. Facebook has a 60-second limit on Reels videos while other platforms allow longer “shorts.”
So you’ll be watching a funny video on Facebook Reels, and suddenly it will stop right before the punchline. This is annoying, but it happens so quickly you don’t have time to react. Instead, the algorithm distracts you with a shiny object — in my case, a comedic character with the stage name Tavin Dillard, who insists chocolate doughnuts are linked to improved upper-body strength and sharper peripheral vision.
It’s been enlightening to see how quickly the Reels algorithm identifies your subconscious interests and then feeds you a steady stream of related videos. In short, Reels baits and hooks you like a large-mouth bass.
Men are reliably uncomplicated, and thus our menu of possible videos is short. For me, it consists of car dealership negotiations, talking dogs and slap fighting.
The first two, I understand. Watching a car dealership sales manager structure a deal for a customer who is $20,000 upside down on his Mercedes-Benz trade-in is entertaining to me. Interestingly, you can watch this kind of stuff on an endless loop on Reels.
And I talk to dogs every day, so you could see how I might be eager to watch them talk back.
But slap fighting? What the heck?
If you haven’t seen slap fighting, it’s when two — often huge — men stand a few feet apart and exchange full-force slaps, which are more like open-fisted punches to the side of the head. I have no idea why Reels thinks I’m interested in this — maybe it’s like a car wreck, impossible to turn away so I linger over the video long enough to register a hit on the algorithm.
The talking-dogs Reels genre takes many forms but are often some kind of poodle mixes who lip-sync to comedic bits. Some of them dance or perform slapstick. Some of them talk football. It’s like that old, man-cave artwork of dogs playing poker — you know it’s not real, but you can’t look away.
Still, I think if Reels should go away, I would barely notice, like you forget a dream the instant you wake up.
Meanwhile, if I gain 5 pounds from subliminal doughnut cravings, I’m going to blame it on Tavin Dillard.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645.