As a 34-year-old mom of two (a Lego-obsessed 6-year-old and a toddler who thinks sleep is optional), wife of 12 years and CEO of a nonprofit dedicated to strengthening families, I often find myself juggling more than just the usual daily tasks. It’s the mental load — the invisible, relentless stream of responsibilities — that truly weighs me down.
The “mental load” has been a hot topic of conversation, research and investigation since the COVID-19 pandemic, especially in regards to how it affects mothers. To better define the phrase, the mental load refers to the cognitive labor involved in managing a household and family life. It’s the constant planning, organizing and remembering that keeps everything running smoothly. Research published by the Journal of Marriage and Family indicates that mothers shoulder up to 71% of the mental load in family life.
This disproportionate burden has tangible effects. A study found in the Psychology of Women Quarterly reveals working mothers, whether full-time or part-time, specifically carry a combination of cognitive, physical and emotional labor that leads to significant stress and burnout. Moreover, the mental load has been linked to postpartum depression, with an increase in the past decade from 9.4% to nearly 19% of new mothers affected, according to the National Institutes of Health.
Beyond personal well-being, the mental load impacts family dynamics. When mothers are overwhelmed, it can affect their relationships with their significant others and their children. Understanding the weight of the mental load is not just about valuing fairness; it’s about the health and harmony of the entire family unit.
What can we do to lessen the mental load for Moms?
— Open communication: Discuss the mental load openly. Make an effort to truly understand the weight each mom carries and be intentional about providing support. Set up a regular check in time to share what feels heavy or overwhelming.
— Delegation of tasks: Make a list of all the tasks mom has to accomplish, then delegate the tasks throughout the family. You can also give children age-appropriate chores. This not only lightens Mom’s load; it teaches them responsibility .
— Setting realistic expectations and boundaries: This comes more easily for some moms than others, but it’s important to say no or not right now from time to time. And it’s important for others to be OK with a mom’s decision in setting boundaries or saying no.
— Taking time for herself: Give mom space to regularly engage in activities that rejuvenate her, whether it’s reading a book, listening to her favorite podcast or going on walks alone. If you notice a mom in your life who doesn’t have the capacity to take time for herself, offer to watch the kids or run to the store for her so she can. Even short breaks can make a difference in a mom’s mental capacity.
Acknowledging and addressing the mental load is crucial for the well-being of mothers and their families. By supporting each mom’s mental capacity, we can work toward a more balanced and healthy family life.
Lauren Hall is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at lauren@firstthings.org.