As the monthly cabinet meeting of Satan & Associates Inc. began, there was a giddy anticipation in the air. It had been a few weeks since the successful attack on Charlie Kirk, and all of hell’s generals were interested in hearing status reports of the fallout. Dark lords were assembled from positions of power and influence all over the globe, and rumor had it that even Satan himself would be in attendance.
As a heavy shadow fell over the demonic powers and principalities of the underworld, everyone knew instantly that the rumor was true.
“Kneel!” came the hiss of a hideous demon flanking Satan to the left. Instantly, everyone complied.
For what seemed like an eternity, the brooding presence hovered over everyone, as if trying to decide whether to destroy someone for no particular reason or to assume his seat on the dark throne and allow the meeting to proceed. Fortunately, for everyone there, he chose the latter rather than the former.
“Rise,” he said with unmistakable venom in his voice. Everyone leaped to their cloven feet and stood in utter silence, none daring to do as much as blink. Finally, he smiled just a bit, though the smile was of a decidedly evil variety.
“It has been a good few weeks,” he said as pleasantly as his dark heart could muster. “John MacArthur and James Dobson have, blessedly, been removed from their decades on the battlefield by our adversary. Voddie Baucham is recently gone as well, in the weeping words of those annoying believers, ‘far too young.’ Most glorious of all, though, Charlie Kirk has been cut down at the height of his influence for Christ’s cause. This, as much or more than the others, will be most beneficial to us. He was swaying the hearts of the younger generation that we so prize and seek to turn to evil.
“So tell me,” he glowered, “how many have left that wretched faith? What notable examples have given up in fear? Give me the entire damage report of bitterness, anger, wrath and violence that has been spawned among them through our murder of their strongest voice?”
All fell silent. Off to the left of the diabolical dais, three midlevel demon lords were jostling a bit, each one trying to make the others the bearer of the news. Satan looked their way, and the hatred of the ages was flashing in his eyes. “Step forth and speak or be devoured, imp!” he exploded.
In utter terror, the hapless spirit in the middle took a few trembling steps and bowed before him. “I have the reports, your loathsomeness,” he whimpered.
“Start with the violence,” Satan said gleefully. “Tell me of the riots, the revenge, the looting, the burning.”
The imp began to visibly tremble. “There is … none, my Lord. They have turned instead to prayer, to peaceful vigils, and … and …”
He could not bring himself to say it. He knew the reaction it would bring.
“SAY IT!” the dragon screamed. Whimpering loudly now, the imp finally managed to utter the word “forgiveness.” Then, making things infinitely worse, he added, “Even the widow has forgiven the murderer — and she did so in front of the entire world.”
Less than a split second later, the imp was gone and Satan was wiping the remains from his mouth. When he finished swallowing, he hissed, “Now that we have that out of the way, tell me of the damage to the churches, those wretched hives of righteousness.”
The second imp was shoved forward. He looked around for help, but not a single eye would make contact with his own. “Um, ah,” he stammered, “church attendance is, ah, increasing dramatically, your Vileness,” he groveled. “It seems as if hundreds of millions of people watched the videos in which Kirk and his wife told people again and again to go to church, and they decided to do so. Our evil emissaries in charge of spying on churches even report that many have bowed the knee, repented and made Christ their Lord.”
That brought another satanic snack attack and left but one trembling demon to report his findings.
“I need some good news,” Satan said wistfully. “If I cannot find it in burning, vengeful, warring cities or in empty, frightened churches, I can surely find it in sports and academia.”
The poor little devil knew, by now, what was coming, so he determined to get it over with and to go out in unforgettable style.
“The Oregon Ducks, Kirk’s favorite team, was playing Penn State, in a high-profile night game. The entire student section was filled with young people wearing Kirk’s iconic ‘Freedom’ shirt, and millions of people saw it all, live. Oh, and the Ducks won in an overtime thriller.”
Then, just before he, too, was devoured, he said, “Go Ducks, and you stink. Prove me wrong!”
Bo Wagner is pastor of Cornerstone Baptist Church of Mooresboro, North Carolina, a widely traveled evangelist and the author of several books available on Amazon and at wordofhismouth.com. Email him at 2knowhim@cbc-web.org.