Punchlines

Keeping up with the candidates

› At a rally last night in Vermont, Donald Trump refused to let anyone in that wasn’t a Trump supporter, but several protesters got in anyway. So keep that in mind the next time you listen to the guy whose biggest campaign promise is keeping people from sneaking in. — Jimmy Fallon› An autograph expert said that Hillary Clinton’s autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates’. For instance, a Hillary Clinton-signed hat is worth about $1,500, while a Jeb Bush-signed hat is worth … whatever the hat cost originally, minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature. — Jimmy Fallon› Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, gave an interview and said she remembers her first date with Donald like it was two months ago. Then it got awkward when she was like, “But the marks on my wall clearly show that it’s been 17 years, two months and six days.” — Jimmy Fallon› Hillary Clinton complained about having to take selfies with voters, saying that it takes up too much time at campaign events. Yeah, good one, Hillary. That’s the way to capture the youth vote — directly criticize their favorite thing in the whole world. — James Corden› Hillary said she doesn’t like selfies because the interaction is very impersonal. She said, “If anything is going to be impersonal on this campaign trail, I prefer it to be me.” — James Corden› Meanwhile Bernie Sanders announced that he loves selfies. He just hasn’t figured out how to take them on his rotary phone. — James Corden› Our current president, the one named Obama, is gearing up for what will be his final State of the Union address on Tuesday night. His aides have been describing the speech that he plans to give as nontraditional. Which probably means he’s going to do that “watch me whip, watch me nae nae” dance. — Jimmy Kimmel› Vice President Joe Biden in a new interview said that he wakes up every day regretting that he didn’t enter the 2016 race. And every day Hillary Clinton holds the rag over his nose and he goes back to sleep. — Seth Meyers