1. It is my wish that, with a now-divided Congress, Washington leave us alone for the next two years. Entrenched, Deep State, Democratic bureaucrats are like Christmas lights: They are inextricably intertwined, not very bright and only about half of them work.
2. A good way to save money on Christmas gifts is to discuss politics at family Thanksgiving dinners. My Drunkle Mac used to drink stuff that not only hit the spot but removed spots. I do miss my Drunkle Mac’s belligerent political ranting during holiday visits. I learned to approach a gun and an uncle the same way: Just assume they are loaded.
3. High gas prices have caused Americans consternation over the holidays. But the good news is that I filled up for $35 recently. It was my lawn mower, but I like to stay positive.
4. I hope all Americans are safe this year. There were 90 federal FBI and DHS agents working at Twitter to make sure any posts damaging to Democrats were taken down. To save money next year, just put a “Trump for President” sign in your yard; FBI agents will monitor your house 24/7. For helpful money-saving tips, follow me online.
5. There was even more blurring of lines between the genders this year. The Department of Energy deputy assistant secretary for nuclear waste disposal, Sam Brinton, who identifies as a non- binary cross-dresser, spends most of his time dressed as a woman (whatever that is). He got accused of stealing a woman’s luggage. He now identifies as “Samsonite,” and his personal pronouns are “Gucci” and “TUMI.”