Note: Various colleagues are filling in while First Things First President and CEO Lauren Hall is on maternity leave. The following was written by Tamara Slocum and published at firstthings.org in April 2022.
You want your spouse to be fully present with you in your feelings, thoughts and situations in life. But what happens when they don’t show empathy? You probably feel alone, unimportant and misunderstood. You’ve opened up, but your spouse seems unable or uninterested in responding in an empathetic way. So what do you do when your spouse lacks empathy?
First, my heart goes out to anyone married to a spouse who indeed lacks empathy. This is a hard road.
Let’s begin by establishing what we mean by the word empathy. According to Harvard psychologist Susan David, “Learning to label emotions with a more nuanced vocabulary can be absolutely transformative.”
The term empathy has evolved and has recently exploded in popularity. That’s great, but it can be confusing if it’s not clearly defined. In “Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience,” researcher Brené Brown describes two types of empathy.
› Cognitive empathy is sometimes called perspective-taking or mentalizing. It’s the ability to recognize and understand another’s emotions. “Your best friend told a bunch of people something you confided in them! It’s completely understandable to feel betrayed. I get you.”
› Affective empathy is often called experience-sharing. It is one person’s emotional attunement with another’s experience. “Your best friend told a bunch of people something you confided in them! I feel that sting of betrayal. I feel you.” Your spouse is the one person you hope will get you and feel you. Why? So they can be there for you. (In whatever way you need them to be.)
Simple phrases like “I get you,” “I feel you” and “I’m here for you” are gestures toward empathy. When they’re sincere, they mean “I. Am. With. You. You are not alone.” But empathy doesn’t stop there. Empathy isn’t complete without action.
Empathy should lead your spouse to be present in your story and absorb it. They understand, believe and validate it and you … they don’t judge, criticize or dismiss it and you. (And they definitely don’t make it about them.) Empathy is the catalyst to respond with appropriate, compassionate actions.
Telling your spouse they’re not empathetic is probably not going to help. It’s more of a label when you actually need their labor. You need them to do the relationship work to get outside of themself and be considerate of you.
You may be able to help your spouse who lacks empathy by fine-tuning your communication. Be clear and direct about what you need. Invite them into your story. Frame the conversation by saying things like, “At the moment, I’m not looking for you to judge me, give me advice or share your opinion. I need to feel heard and understood.”
Empathetic conversations can lead to tangible, actionable things for a caring spouse. You can set measurable goals around these statements. Often, we can address a lack of empathy with better communication. There is help and hope to improve communication so you feel heard and understood.
We don’t fully understand why some people are more empathetic than others or why some people have little to no empathy. But there are indications that a person can learn to be more empathetic. When your spouse does express empathy, acknowledge it and thank them for it.
Life is certainly not easy with a spouse who lacks empathy. You can do several things to improve the situation. But you also need to recognize when those things aren’t working. Many people have successfully maintained their marriage knowing that their spouse may have many positive traits, but being empathetic is not one of them. You can set boundaries with your spouse and still get your need for empathy met in other healthy ways.
At the end of the day, we all want to be heard and understood without judgment. And chances are, you both want your marriage to be a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings. Fine-tune your communication around what empathy looks like in your relationship. Practice talking about feelings. Dig deeper into understanding and believing in each other. Recognize and appreciate any progress toward more empathy. It’s a process that will bring you closer together in the end.
Tamara Slocum is the brand and creative strategist at family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at tamara@firstthings.org.