DEAR ABBY: My favorite aunt was dying. Her daughter is my favorite cousin, so I texted her almost every day with encouragement. When the doctor said the end was near, I backed off messaging to give the family space to themselves.
Thirteen days later, I received a text with a photograph of my aunt’s grave. Ensuing texts and phone calls indicated that my cousin’s older brother had grandstanded and taken over. Questions about her service and burial went unanswered. I expressed dismay; our family had been the first to call about almost everything.
I have read a great deal about forgiveness — when to offer it, and when to forgive the messenger but not the action. That is the stance I have taken. My once-beloved cousin responds as if all is well between us, though she has asked twice if I would rather she stop communicating, given that I rarely respond. Twice I have said, “That is up to you.”
Admittedly, I would love some closure on this, one way or the other. In my youth, I would have forgiven it all, probably even apologized for her “pain” while subjugating my own. I am not in that frame of mind now. Do I forgive? Forget? Move on? — BEWILDERED IN FLORIDA
DEAR BEWILDERED: What happened was not your cousin’s fault; the fault lies with her grandstanding brother. Do not allow this to interfere with your formerly loving relationship with her. By all means, forgive and move on. Also, put aside your passive-aggressive attitude. When people are grieving a death, even one that is expected, they are usually distracted, in pain and not thinking about how their actions affect others.