Punchlines

Keeping Up With the Candidates

› President Obama gave his final address last night. It was the president’s shortest State of the Union address, clocking in at 58:49. Mine would have been however long it takes to say, “You’re on your own, suckers.” — Jimmy Kimmel› If you’re a Republican, you don’t want to get caught agreeing with anything Obama says because it could ruin your political career, so you have to sit there and make a face like you’re witnessing your family getting eaten by coyotes through the whole thing. — Jimmy Kimmel› The New York Times is describing President Obama’s State of the Union as “a balance of terror and reality.” Which, coincidentally, is also the motto of Match.com. — Conan O’Brien› While commenting on the State of the Union, Donald Trump said President Obama is “living in a fantasy land.” Donald Trump then went to sleep in his solid gold bed with his supermodel wife. — Conan O’Brien› We have former secretary of state and Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton on the show tonight. Backstage she told me she’s a huge fan of the show, and I was like, “I know, I read it in your emails.” — Jimmy Fallon› Jeb Bush has released a new ad showing clips of mean things Donald Trump has said on the campaign trail. He also released his new campaign slogan: “I’m telling!” — Seth Meyers› The White House joined Snapchat yesterday. It’s a great platform for the White House, because moments after you make a promise, it magically disappears. — Jimmy Fallon