Punchlines

Keeping Up With the Candidates

› We have Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio on the show tonight. To make sure Marco feels comfortable during the interview, we have five other guys who’ll interrupt him every time he talks. — Jimmy Fallon› Yesterday in Iowa, Sarah Palin gave a 20-minute speech to endorse Donald Trump for president, while Trump stood off to the side. Palin described Trump as a great leader, while Trump described being quiet for 20 minutes as the most painful experience of his life.› Donald Trump said today that he didn’t expect Sarah Palin to speak for “quite that long” during her rambling endorsement speech earlier this week. She did speak for over 20 minutes, but remember, for Sarah Palin, that’s only three sentences. — Seth Meyers› Critics are calling Sarah Palin’s endorsement speech of Donald Trump “bizarre,” “meandering” and “mystifying.” In other words, she’s still got it. — Conan O’Brien› At a Donald Trump rally in Oklahoma, Sarah Palin called President Obama a “weak-kneed capitulator in chief.” When asked if she knows what a capitulator is, she said, “Of course I do — it’s one of those worms that turns into a butterfly!” — Jimmy Fallon› After Sarah Palin’s rambling endorsement of Donald Trump, she failed to show up at a Trump campaign event. Palin apologized and said, “I was fresh out of nonsense.” — Conan O’Brien› Jeb Bush misspoke during a campaign event yesterday and mistakenly called President Obama’s daughter “Malala” instead of Malia. And then, when he tried to say Sasha’s name, it came out “I don’t want to run for president anymore.” — Seth Meyers› Jeb Bush mistakenly referred to President Obama’s daughter Malia as “Malala.” When Jeb Bush apologized for his mistake, Malia said, “Don’t worry about it, Jethbo.” — Conan O’Brien› Tea party Senator Ted Cruz claims he currently does not have health insurance. Man, this guy will say anything to prove he’s not Canadian. — Conan O’Brien› There was another Democratic debate over the weekend. The candidates discussed the big issues like health care and global warming. But, of course, the media focused on the most important issue: Bernie Sanders gives a mean stink-eye. — James Corden› The latest CBS poll has Bernie Sanders beating Hillary Clinton by 1 percent in Iowa, though another poll has Hillary beating Bernie Sanders with a folding chair. — Seth Meyers› Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she feels great about her chances to be the Democratic nominee, and Bill Clinton said, “Hillary, it’s 3:30 in the morning. Go back to sleep.” — Seth Meyers› A researcher found lyrics to a song that Woody Guthrie wrote over 50 years ago about Donald Trump’s father, Fred Trump. I believe it was called, this land is my land and this land is my land, and this land is also my land. — Jimmy Fallon› Senator Lindsey Graham said this week that Donald Trump is the “most unelectable” Republican he has seen in his lifetime. Then he walked by a mirror and said “whoops, never mind.” — Seth MeyersSource: www.newsmax.com