Tim and Joy Downs, authors of “One of Us Must Be Crazy and I’m Pretty Sure It’s You,” just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary and are looking forward to more years together. But it hasn’t always been easy.
In the early years of marriage, they had the same disagreements over and over, Mr. Downs said. “One of the biggest was around the safety of our children. Whenever they would head out to ride their bikes, my wife reminded me to make sure they had their helmets on. I didn’t think they needed helmets … in the neighborhood. We went back and forth about this all the time.” Both believed they were right.
Disagreements boiled down to one fundamental difference. Joy instinctively placed security above all else. Tim instinctively valued autonomy. While Joy agreed with Tim that their kids needed to take risks to grow, the level of risk was an issue.
The Downses finally realized they weren’t really battling about bicycle helmets. Their goal was the same: to help their children mature and thrive. But each imagined a different path to get there.
The Downses surveyed 1,000 couples to find out about their experience with conflict and discovered seven underlying issues at the root of most marital conflict — security, loyalty, responsibility, caring, order, openness and connection, said Mr. Downs.
“Recurring conflicts are a reality for all couples, and they can be a source of ongoing frustration and discouragement,” said Mrs. Downs. “After being married for a while, couples often feel they should have resolved their issues. When they fail to do so, they assume that must mean something is wrong with the relationship.”
Psychologist John Gottman estimates that 70 percent of all marital conflicts are ongoing. His good news: It’s normal to have conflict in your marriage.
“We all assume we are marrying someone just like us,” said Mr. Downs. “However, when worldviews collide and disagreements seem impossible to resolve, conflict happens. When the disagreement feels huge, and you are thinking it is inconceivable that your perspective is not the right one, that’s when you look at your mate and think: ‘One of us is crazy, and I’m pretty sure it’s you!’ “
The Downses believe that the issue isn’t how different you are but the attitude you take toward your differences. They encourage couples to communicate.
“Instead of assuming you understand the motivation behind your spouse’s behavior, listen to figure out why she thinks it is so important that your child have his helmet on before he gets on his bike or why he thinks it is unnecessary,” Mrs. Downs said.
“Couples long for love,” said Mr. Downs. “But many mistake proximity with intimacy. They are not the same. Marriage makes intimacy possible. … It is learning how to put your differences in perspective, anticipate areas of disagreement and work together as partners in life and love that brings true intimacy to a marriage relationship.”
E-mail Julie Baumgardner at julieb@firstthings.org.