Punchlines

Late Night Laughs

Keeping up with the candidates› Democratic National Committee head Debbie Wasserman Schultz today denied accusations that she is taking sides in the primary election season, and said, “There is no shred of evidence to suggest that I’m favoring Hillary Clinton over Bernie Socialist — I mean Bernie Sanders.” — Seth Meyers› Bernie Sanders this weekend gave a speech at the Mexican border. Actually he was in Vermont, but they could hear him at the Mexican border. — Seth Meyers› Three more states went to the polls yesterday, and a lot of places wound up having record turnout. I guess people really want to be able to tell their grandkids, “There used to be a country called America and I voted in its last election.” — Jimmy Fallon› Trump and Hillary would be the oldest nominees since 1848. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, “My first campaign!” — Jimmy Fallon› If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the two nominees, it will be the first time both parties’ nominees are over 65 years old. Which should explain that one debate where they just play checkers in the park. “King me!” — Jimmy Fallon› After saying in an interview that there should be punishment for women who undergo illegal abortions, Donald Trump last night started to walk back his comments by claiming he meant to say doctors should be punished. And I have to say, it’s pretty ironic that Trump had to use Plan B. — Seth Meyers› Bernie Sanders today held a campaign rally in the South Bronx. Sanders said it was great to be in a neighborhood where he wasn’t the loudest person. — Seth Meyers› Anderson Cooper told Donald Trump that he acts like a 4-year-old. Trump then laughed really hard and said, “Well, Cooper rhymes with ‘pooper.’” — Jimmy Fallon› Marco Rubio reportedly wants to play a role in the upcoming Republican convention. It all depends on whether or not they need a sign spinner. — Jimmy Fallon› All the candidates who promised to support the Republican nominee no matter who it was now say they might not. Back in September they all signed a pledge to support the eventual Republican nominee, but that was when no one thought the nominee would be Donald Trump. — Jimmy Kimmel› Trump only signed the pledge because he assumed they were asking for his autograph. — Jimmy Kimmel› An opening speaker at a campaign event for Hillary Clinton yesterday asked the attendees in the audience to welcome Clinton by chanting her campaign slogan with enthusiasm. And the crowd immediately started chanting, “It’s! My! Turn! It’s! My! Turn!” — Seth Meyers› A new study has found that people often zone out on purpose when the tasks they’re doing are not challenging enough. So maybe Ben Carson was too qualified? — Seth Meyers› The weather here in New York was sunny, but chilly. Or as meteorologists call it, “The Hillary Clinton.” — Jimmy Fallon› There are rumors that Ted Cruz has had affairs with up to eight different women. Ted Cruz refuses to answer questions about the scandal, but he is accepting high-fives. — Conan O’Brien› According to a new NBC News poll, Donald Trump now has support from 48 percent of Republican voters. All the men and none of the wives. — Jimmy Kimmel› John Kasich is in third with 18 percent, but he says he won’t give up. He’s vowed to keep running. He’s going to keep running until one person in America can identify him by face and then he will stop. — Jimmy Kimmel› Conservative pundit Glenn Beck said Friday that Ted Cruz was “anointed” by God to become president. To which God replied, “No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.’” — Seth MeyersSource: www.newsmax.com