What kind of a communicator are you? Would your family describe you as soft-spoken or loud? Do you tend to shy away from conflict or embrace it wholeheartedly? Has anybody ever described you as sarcastic? Are you more likely to fly off the handle when you are angry or wait until you are calm to address the issue?
The way you communicate with family, friends and co-workers dramatically impacts the quality of your relationships and has the ability to shut down communication or encourage it.
Based on decades of research, Dr. John Gottman has discovered four common communication styles that have the potential to damage relationships:
– Harsh startup: Whether at work or at home, a tendency to attack someone verbally while you are upset with them is considered a harsh startup and usually shuts down communication immediately.
– Flooding: Have you ever been trying to communicate with someone and you feel your heart racing, your blood pressure going up, your muscles tensing and you are breaking out in a sweat? Gottman refers to this as “flooding.” It is impossible to think and react rationally in this state. Discussion at this time usually escalates uncontrollably with no resolution.
– Body language: The type of body language Gottman is referring to is eye rolling, heavy sighs and what many refer to as “the look.” Those are things your teen does that get on your last nerve, but they are not things you would expect from an adult.
The fourth style is commonly known as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” It involves:
– Criticism: Blaming, using negative labels to attack a person’s character and fault finding.
– Contempt: Lack of respect for a person’s dignity, an attitude of superiority, mockery and hostile humor. Communication is condescending and demeaning.
– Defensiveness: Refuses to take responsibility, will not admit their role in a situation and deflects complaints back on the other person, as in: “It’s your fault.”
– Stonewalling: Also known as the silent treatment. Stubbornly refusing to give any verbal or non-verbal feedback that they are listening or attending to what the other person is saying.
If you are seeking to have healthy communication with the people in your life, here are some strategies you can use.
– Be intentional and specific: Ask for a good, undistracted time to talk. While there may be multiple things you want to discuss, choose only one thing and stick to it.
– Listen without being defensive. After you have shared information, listen to their response without trying to plan your defense at the same time. It is impossible for your brain to do two things at once.
– Avoid mind reading. Everybody knows the old saying about assumptions. Don’t fall into the trap of believing you can read someone’s mind.
– Express negative feelings constructively. It is possible to talk about hard topics without being ugly and tearing somebody down. Choose your words and your tone carefully.
– Don’t withhold the positive. Even in the most difficult circumstances, there are often positives that can be communicated.
When it comes to communication, whether it is spouse to spouse, parent to child or co-worker to supervisor, people are looking for emotional safety in relationships. It is possible to talk with someone about a very complicated situation and not destroy them. If your goal is to win, have the last word or prove you are right you might need to ask yourself, “What exactly am I trying to accomplish?”
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at julieb@firstthings.org.