View other columns by Ron Hart
With all the conflicts in Iran, Saudi Arabia and Syria last week, evil dictator-in-training Kim Jong-un was feeling a little ignored. So he either tested, or pretended to test, a hydrogen bomb.
He had his scientists fill up a balloon with H2O and drop it off North Korea's tallest building, a full six stories. North Korean scientists discovered the water balloon technology when they were trying to develop a way for Kim Jong-un to take a bubble bath while still wearing his military medals.
The 32-year-old Lil' Kim inherited the evil dictator business from his dad, Kim Jong-il, who got it from his dad, Kim Il-sung, who acquired North Korea in a hostile takeover in 1948. They are all ruthless and have killed more uncles than cigarettes.
Kim Il-sung was People's Republic Magazine's "sexiest man alive" from 1948 until his death in 1994. I think Tom Selleck won the title in 1995, losing it the following year when Kim Jong-il solidified his power. A year before he died, Kim Jong-il picked his third son, Kim Jong-un, to run his evil empire, bypassing older brothers Kim Jong-Tito and Kim Jong-Jermaine.
Like that of many despots, the young Kim's bombastic bravado could lead us to war. The U.S. did fly a bomber near North Korea this past weekend as a show of strength. When we heard Obama had sent a B-52 to North Korea, most assumed it was the flamboyant lead singer of that group.
It was a quicker response than the last time Lil' Kim rattled his sabers. That time we deployed guided missile destroyer USS John McCain to Korea. The ship took awhile to get there because of the need for so many men's room stops enroute.
Reports say this display of petulance by Kim was in response to a North Korean girl band not being well received in China - a dangerous precedent. Imagine how many times we would have to fight Canada when Justin Bieber tours the USA Pentagon. Intelligence fears North Korea might be four years out from developing a boy band.
Kim blustered that he would use his high-tech missiles, which he says can reach Los Angeles, to obliterate America. Since he likes mistresses, cognac, Viagra, cocaine and communism, military experts feel he would not bomb L.A. out of professional courtesy.
North Korean leaders, like those in most countries, personally love American culture while condemning it to their countrymen. Kim Jong-un did take a bride a few years ago (probably literally). I think he named her Kim Kardashi-un.
Obama is right to ratchet down this crisis, despite North Korea mobilizing its midget submarines. His issue is not with potential submarine attacks, but he is willing to use military power against politically incorrect speech if he keeps hearing the word "midget." Obama won't get involved unless additional Democratic voters can subsequently be registered or a white policeman shoots a fleeing black criminal. Republicans will not want to invade until either oil reserves are found in Korea or it looks like gay marriage might be legalized there.
Until this incident, Kim Jong-un seemed to be toning it down; instead of releasing 20 photos of him looking through binoculars at something military, he replaced two of the photos with ones of him inspecting a milk plant.
Kim Jong-un is taking a well-worn path of saber rattling until the U.S., through some political back channel, pays him to buy the loyalty of his generals. Some think Kim is upset because he just realized that self-styled "envoy" Dennis Rodman is not President Obama.
Embarrassed by its dysfunctional communist economy, Kim said that his country has developed a smartphone. It turns out the phone was built in China and shipped to North Korea. In fact, when you ask Siri a question, it turns you in to the police.
The plight of the people of North Korea under the Kims' command-and-control rule should be educational to anyone paying attention. North Korea has little electricity or commerce and free health care (but no one can see a doctor or get medicine). Its citizens can't have guns. Communist indoctrination schools and local police forces answer to the president. The government tells the people what they can eat. It is as if Obama had been running the country for 25 years.
Contact Ron Hart at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.