Late Night Laughs
Keeping Up With the Candidates› The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons. — Jimmy Fallon› Last night, Trump and [running mate] Mike Pence actually sat down for a joint interview on “60 Minutes.” And Pence said that if he has differences with Donald Trump, he would, quote, “walk into the president’s office, close the door and share my heart.” Even the guys on “The Bachelorette” were like, “GROSS!” — Jimmy Fallon› A new report says that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently rejected an offer from Donald Trump to be his running mate. When Trump’s people asked why she rejected the offer, she said, “For the last time, I’m Whoopi Goldberg.” — Seth Meyers› After what seems like nine years, tonight is finally the first night of the Republican National Convention and they are bringing out the big guns. So be careful — they’re Republicans. — James Corden› The only thing more confusing than Pokémon Go is the Republican National Convention, which is under way in Cleveland. They say there haven’t been this many white people at the Quicken Loans Arena since the night they double-booked Jimmy Buffett and Kenny G. — Jimmy Kimmel› After Jeb Bush’s decision not to attend this week’s Republican National Convention, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called him a “bad loser.” Said Jeb, “Actually I’m a great loser! I do it all the time! It’s what I’m best at!”— Seth Meyers› Donald Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort told reporters that, quote, “Once Donald Trump is accepted by the American people as someone who can be president, the race will be over with.” By which I assume he meant the human race. — Seth Meyers› You may not know this, but you’re not supposed to see the candidate before the nomination, let alone on the first night [when Trump introduced wife Melania]. That’s like the bride not only being seen on her wedding day but jumping out of the cake at the bachelor party. — Stephen Colbert› A new survey shows that Donald Trump is polling at zero percent among black voters in Ohio and Pennsylvania. I don’t know. That seems a little high. — Seth Meyers› Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned “Moneybags McPantsuit.” — Jimmy Fallon› Bernie Sanders’ endorsement of Hillary Clinton has angered many of his supporters. Many of them are threatening to not vote for her when they don’t vote in November. — Conan O’Brien› Bernie Sanders is scheduled to speak on the first night of next week’s Democratic National Convention. Leave it to Bernie to grab the early bird special. — Seth MeyersSource: Newsmax
Lisa DentonOn second thought
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they decide that each man will go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it.
When they meet up again later, the priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”