Punchlines

Late Night Laughs

Keeping Up With the Candidates› The president has a lot going on as he wraps up his term in office, including the construction of his presidential library in Chicago. It will be a place devoted entirely to Obama and his achievements — or as that’s also known, MSNBC. — Jimmy Fallon› Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she would like to see the FBI investigation of her emails wrapped up. Hillary then said, “Or deleted, whatever is easiest.” — Conan O’Brien› “After his meeting at the White House, Bernie Sanders said he’s going to do everything he can to “make sure that Donald Trump does not become president of the United States.” Bernie said, “I’m even willing to make Hillary my vice president.” — Conan O’Brien› “Arnold Schwarzenegger is siding with the judge in the Trump University fraud case. Arnold said he took a speech class at Trump University and wants his money back. — Conan O’Brien› “Bernie Sanders met with President Obama at the White House today to discuss the status of the Democratic race. Though I’m not sure Bernie is getting the hint because he arrived at the meeting in a U-Haul. — Seth Meyers› “Today Bernie Sanders had a private meeting in the White House with President Obama, which was fitting since they’re both beloved political figures who are just a few months away from not being president. — Stephen Colbert› In a speech, Donald Trump said thousands of people in the United States are “sick with hate.” Then Trump said, “I’d like to thank them for their support.” — Conan O’Brien› Donald Trump has called for a ban on all immigration to the United States. Of course, Trump said the ban would be lifted if he ever needs a new wife. — Conan O’Brien› Bernie Sanders is set to meet with Hillary Clinton this evening. Bernie said the meeting will give Hillary one last opportunity to bow out gracefully. — Conan O’Brien› According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular baby names in 2016 are Noah and Emma. Least popular baby names? Donald and Hillary. — Jimmy Fallon› According to a political science professor, all of Donald Trump’s speeches are given at a fifth-grade level or below. And today Trump said the professor who did the study was a doody head. — Jimmy Fallon› Bernie Sanders is still upset because he says his fundraising dinners didn’t raise as much money as Hillary Clinton’s. Well, of course they didn’t. Nobody wants to eat dinner at 4 in the afternoon. — Jimmy Fallon› During an interview last week, Bernie Sanders admitted to smoking marijuana as a young man. He said it impaired his perception and distorted his thinking, but he expects that to clear up eventually. — Jimmy Fallon