Late Night Laughs
Keeping Up With the Candidates› The latest polls show Hillary Clinton now leads Donald Trump by 12 points nationally. I guess she’s getting some traction from her new slogan, “Come with me, if you want to live.” — Seth Meyers› Former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain said in a speech today that he feels Donald Trump is not a racist. Said Trump, “Thank you, Ben Carson.” — Seth Meyers› Donald Trump fired his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Trump said Lewandowski was controversial, impulsive and short-tempered — and will make a great running mate. — Jimmy Fallon› Even though he has no chance of winning the nomination, taxpayers are still paying for Bernie Sanders to have Secret Service. It’s not that expensive though. It’s just one guy that goes out late at night to buy Fig Newtons. — Conan O’Brien› Donald Trump thanked crowds in Phoenix for their support this weekend, saying, “I feel like a supermodel, except like times 10.” By the way, “supermodel times 10” is also his spray tan setting. — Seth Meyers› At a meeting with nearly 1,000 evangelical leaders today, Donald Trump told the attendees that Hillary Clinton is not worthy of their prayers. Although I’m pretty sure Hillary’s prayers were already answered when Trump won the GOP nomination. — Seth Meyers› Things are really heating up between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Hillary gave a speech yesterday attacking Trump, and then today, Trump gave a counter-speech attacking Hillary. Which means 2016 will always be remembered as the election of “Shut up” — “No, you shut up.” — Jimmy Fallon› Hillary gave this speech about Trump yesterday and said, quote, “He’s written a lot of books about business, but they all seem to end at Chapter 11.” Then Bernie Sanders said, “Even I felt that burn!” — Jimmy Fallon› While he was back at the Capitol yesterday, Bernie Sanders accidentally went to the Republican lunchroom. Bernie knew he wasn’t in the Democrats’ lunchroom when he couldn’t get a free lunch. — Jimmy Fallon› To protest the lack of gun control reform, Congressional Democrats are sitting on the floor of the House. The sit-in consists of more than 30 Democrats and two Republicans who thought it was a hot yoga class. — Conan O’BrienSource: www.newsmax.com
Lisa DentonAccident claims in England
Leland Parrott travels across the pond for these funnies, said to be the “daft things” that have been written on British insurance forms.
* “I started to slow down, but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”
* “I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”