Late Night Laughs
Keeping up with the candidates› I read that George Clooney emailed Hillary Clinton supporters a letter endorsing her for president. Or as Hillary put it, “That’s one e-mail I’ll never delete …” — Jimmy Fallon› If it comes down to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, if the vote was today, Trump would be in trouble. Clinton leads Trump in a hypothetical matchup 54 percent to 36 percent. While 68 percent of likely general election voters view Donald Trump negatively and the other 32 percent don’t have Twitter or television. — Jimmy Kimmel› Trump’s campaign manager is denying reports that he drunk-dials female reporters and comes on to them. Trump’s campaign manager said, “I wasn’t drunk.” — Conan O’Brien› Donald Trump said yesterday that a lot of politicians who say they’re against him in public are secretly supporting his campaign. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, “Guilty!” — Jimmy Fallon› Sarah Palin just signed a deal to act as a judge on a new reality court TV show. Sarah said she just wants to get a little legal experience before Trump nominates her to the Supreme Court. — Jimmy Fallon› Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to reveal a terrible secret about Ted Cruz’s wife. Apparently Trump has some damning video of her marrying Ted Cruz. — Conan O’Brien› Bernie Sanders recently spoke at the U.S.-Mexico border in Arizona and said, “We don’t need a wall.” Then Bernie said, “But then again, I also told Noah we didn’t need an ark, so who knows?” — Jimmy Fallon› A new study has found Donald Trump speaks with the poorest grammar of any presidential candidate. Said Trump, “It’s actually the poorliest.” — Seth Meyers› Democratic National Committee head Debbie Wasserman Schultz today denied accusations that she is taking sides in the primary election season, and said, “There is no shred of evidence to suggest that I’m favoring Hillary Clinton over Bernie Socialist — I mean Bernie Sanders.” — Seth Meyers› Bernie Sanders this weekend gave a speech at the Mexican border. Actually he was in Vermont, but they could hear him at the Mexican border. — Seth Meyers› Three more states went to the polls yesterday, and a lot of places wound up having record turnout. I guess people really want to be able to tell their grandkids, “There used to be a country called America and I voted in its last election.” — Jimmy Fallon
Lisa DentonClarence and Jesus
Late one night, a burglar breaks into a house. While he is sneaking around, he hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”
He looks around and sees nothing. He keeps on creeping and again hears, “Jesus is watching you.”
In a dark corner, he sees a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asks the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?”