Hart: My Christmas wish list

Ron Hart
photo Ron Hart

1. I hope Judge Roy Moore rides away on his horse, "Sassy." It is Christmas, and he can hang around the mall until the kiosks close. (I think malls there still have a place to tie up your horse.) Or he'll continue to be a leader in Alabama; he currently leads the state in most proms attended.

2. Moore losing was the best news for Democrats since a generic version of Viagra came out.

3. I hope this rash of sexual harassment claims calms down and men and women can be less tense toward each other. Back in the day, Ted Kennedy, D-Mass., left a woman for dead at the Chappaquiddick bridge, and President Clinton had credible evidence against him for rape. Both became leaders in their party. Now, if a woman says you asked for her number, you are expected to resign. I think the lesson here is that there was a time and place for everything. They half-heartedly tried to get Bill Clinton on sex charges - close, but no cigar.

4. Liberals continue to grandstand on sexual misconduct foes, which is at odds with their secular, Darwinian view of man's origins. They can't have it both ways. Men either descended from apes, or we didn't.

5. My wish is that Mueller clarify what is going on in his "Russian collusion" probe. Keep in mind, he and James Comey are good friends dating back to when they studied Manufactured Drama together in the NYU theater program.

6. As fingers start to point to Hillary, she has even said she hopes the investigation wraps up soon, "or is deleted," or BleachBit-washed away, or smashed with a hammer - or whatever the FBI thinks is most plausible."

7. I hope we can get all of this bickering behind us. Maybe the left will stop protesting the president. Trump has done more to get overweight Americans out walking than Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" program ever did.

8. Washington, D.C., will again be named by Men's Health magazine as the "fittest city." Of course it is. Government officials there are always dodging subpoenas, walking back statements, hopping into bed, dancing around issues and jumping to conclusions - all good cardio.

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9. Battles between pro-life and pro-choice activists and how to deal with terrorism will hopefully subside after the Alabama Senate race. No outside person should hold sway over whether an American lives or dies. That is the sole province of whoever is texting with you while you are driving.

10. I hope the tensions with North Korea subside. Trump and Kim Jung-un have such tension, which can only mean one thing: they once dated.

11. I hope that, as more states legalize pot, millennials don't become less productive than they already are. Right now city limit signs in Denver say, "Welcome to Denver, A Work-Free Drug Zone."

12. I hope Omarosa finds gainful employment after being fired as Trump's point person on the African-American vote. Maybe she will find a less daunting job, like heading up black outreach for NASCAR.

13. I hope Melania Trump decides to use the Reagan china for this year's Christmas dinner in the White House. The Obamas used the Clinton china last year, and you could see where each piece had been glued back together.

14. Let's hope the royal wedding goes well for Prince Harry and his American bride so millennials might start marrying. These kids are having a hard time determining just which person they want to stare at their iPhones with for the rest of their lives.

15. With all the sexual misconduct casualties, men in power will continue to be scared in 2018. They are all about as scared as a Kardashian with only one percent cell phone battery life. I hope Congress will be able to get a quorum.

16. I hope the sex rehab clinics have plenty of space. I noticed that most are near either wine country or Las Vegas, maybe so that patients can keep their options open.

17. I wish late-night comics would start being funny again. The main casualty of Trump's presidency is that we have lost all the once funny late-night comics to vitriolic political grandstanding.

18. I'm wishing Al Franken well. Things are so bad for him that Harvey Weinstein just un-friended him on Facebook.

19. I hope Trump's next move is to cut the deep state bureaucrats. They are like Christmas lights: frustratingly intertwined, not very bright and half don't work.

Contact syndicated op-ed humorist Ron Hart at Ron@RonaldHart.com, Twitter@RonaldHart or visit RonaldHart.com.