Ellen Phillips My daughter and her fiancé plan to marry in December. Even a medium-size wedding is costing her father and me a fortune so we’re trying to explore plans where costs can be a bit more equitably distributed. Any advice? – Penniless Parent
Dear Mrs. Parent: Considering that the national average wedding sets the payers back over $35,000, as noted by The Knot, a wedding website, you’re smart to try to figure ways to save money without cutting back a beautiful day filled with wonderful memories. In the past, the bride’s parents were traditionally expected to pick up the total bill. Thank goodness today’s fees are normally spread out amongst both bride and groom and their parents – a good thing as I certainly would object to footing the bill where the couple’s Alaskan Malamute slobbers down the aisle with the rings tied around his neck with a big white bow. (Rituals may have changed over the years, but proper manners have not.)
You didn’t mention your daughter’s and future son-in-law’s ages. Obviously, if the couple is older and both work (as many do these days), they can afford to kick in financially. Typically, according to The Knot, the bride’s folks now pay about 44 percent, the engaged couple pays about 42 percent, and the groom’s parents end up paying 13 percent. AARP (which offers advice on every topic that might concern the senior population, including wedding costs) surveyed three wedding experts about saving money on the Big Day and, also, how to keep everyone’s feelings in check.
Donna Anello, a prominent New York wedding planner, knows the importance of initial decisions. First, always set a budget. Once this amount is set, then the couple and their parents know their limitations and can decide who pays for what.
In budgeting (unless the wedding gown designer is Elie Saab or Vera Wang and cost big bucks), the reception remains the biggie expense. An elegant, tasteful affair can cost many, many thousands of dollars, or the couple can reduce costs by not opting for “fun” activities. For example, while a photo booth provides lots of laughter and extra guest photos to enjoy later, an instant camera to which all guests have access is their cell phone. A decorative note on each table – or set around if no table seating – requests guests snap photos and email them to a dedicated address set up by the bride and/or groom specifically for this purpose. Big savings.
Many couples set their wedding for the weekend and often on a Saturday evening without knowing this is the priciest day of the week. Lower costs by switching to a Friday or Sunday, especially during peak season that runs from April to October. The location may be a deal breaker, too; rather than holding the reception at a venue such as a country club with a substantial room fee, try a back-yard affair under fairy-lighted tents, a lush park, a beautiful beach or even a destination wedding and reception all in one. (Obviously, the latter option means your guest list is drastically cut as most folks don’t have the ready cash to fly off to Jamaica, Hawaii or other exotic locales.)
Try to find a venue where both wedding and reception can be held; not only does this save on rental cost, but also reduces the hourly fee for the photography or videography. And, finally, a buffet is far less expensive than a seated dinner, as is a charming brunch or lunch.
Keith Maderer, author of Cut Wedding Costs – Before the Big Day, suggests additional ways to avoid knocking on the poor house door.
First, try not to borrow, but if you absolutely must, the less deadly method is a home-equity line of credit. Rates are pretty good presently and whatever isn’t used for the festivities, you pay no interest on this balance. Plus, loans like this are tax-deductible. Secondly, if parents have the money, don’t just throw it at the couple; rather than a lump-sum, dole it out as the bills arrive and, more importantly, set limits and not a penny more. (See budgeting.) And, finally, limit the guest list. Everyone has family, friends, and co-workers whom they wish to invite for this momentous occasion. Don’t, though, unless the (monetary) sky’s the limit.
Regardless of the plan – buffet, seated meal, etc. – it’s not unusual to pay a tab of $50-$125 per guest (with no liquor or wine). Let’s say 135 guests have RSVP’d to attend; at 135 people times $75, someone is forking out $10,000-plus in food alone. Add in liquor or wine and the cost swells substantially. And who ever thought a bridal bouquet could cost $500 or more? Fresh flowers are easily available from places other than high-priced florists. Most of us know someone who is a talented flower-arranger who could save us thousands of dollars in this category. (I’m reminded of a recent wedding I attended where the groomsmen were sweating buckets trying to carry the massive arrangements from the church to the reception by car. One of the guys told another, “Be very careful. This thing probably cost $100!” Bug-eyed, he almost dropped the whole container when I remarked, “Multiply by ten and you’ll be closer to the cost of each.”
The grand dame of etiquette, the late Emily Post all the way to her great-great-granddaughter Lizzie Post, emphasizes a wedding should be the most refined and well-behaved occasion in a couple’s life. Call me old fashioned, but the current tradition of the newly-marrieds smashing wedding cake into each other’s faces makes me cringe.
Lizzie Post also recommends all immediate family remember whose wedding is taking place. While most of the guests are likely to be on the engaged couple’s list, they need to be aware that their parents also have close friends and even colleagues who may need an invitation, too – particularly if the moms and dads are paying a nice chunk toward the celebration.
Contact Ellen Phillips at consumerwatch@timesfreepress.com