An old Chinese proverb goes a little like this: When you seek revenge, you'd best dig two graves.
Johnny Depp is suing Amber Heard over a piece she published in The Washington Post in 2018 about abuse; she said she was a "public figure representing domestic abuse." Depp was not named in the piece, but he said it was clearly about him. He said that it cost him $50 million in some of that sweet "Pirates of the Caribbean 18" money he could have made. The couple filed for divorce in 2016, which had a lot to do with these irreconcilable claims.
Depp made a lot of money for a just-OK actor. Forbes Magazine named him the most overpaid actor two years in a row. Nicholas Cage had to be thinking, "What more am I going to have to do to win that?"
A few years ago, Johnny Depp jokingly implied he was John Wilkes Booth and fantasized about assassinating President Trump. It would have been his first hit in eight years.
In his current trial testimony, Depp denied ever striking Heard and argued that she was abusive to him. The jury is simultaneously considering a defamation counter-suit by Heard against Depp.
I keep hoping Will Smith will enter the courtroom and slap both of them and their attorneys for not settling this thing before we were made to watch it. Like most of Depp's movies, this trial was hard to watch.
This trial is a study in what happens when complex court claims are sorted through the lenses of celebrity and social media. According to the couple's testimony, their marriage was a drug-fueled, dysfunctional Depp show. They spent lots of money on high-quality cocaine.
Johnny Depp has no history of violence. His only arrest was for wearing too many brightly colored scarfs in Kentucky, a misdemeanor. Depp was a slow starter; he is 59, and Heard is 36. Like other liberal Democrats such as Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner and Jeffrey Epstein, Depp did not have his first high school girlfriend until he was 40.
This case is more about revenge for Heard and money for Depp. Apparently in Hollywood, you can be a drunk, illegal drug abuser and a total jerk, but it cannot be said that you ever hit a woman. Remember, this is the industry that harbored Harvey Weinstein - until it couldn't.
As the great back-mountain Tennessee philosopher Grant Caldwell says, "Don't be putting your business in the street." This Depp/Heard case is ugly and there are no winners, except the attorneys, of course. The longer it goes on, the more money they make, which is why few things like this settle.
This deal cost Johnny Depp untold movie opportunities; for Heard there is little downside. As I said last week, given such potty testimony, she might get a gig as spokesperson for Chanel Number Two. Other than that, this whole thing is just lose/lose. We Americans feel dirty just having to watch it.
Depp is clearly more likeable and funnier. I am just not sure how a guy from Owensboro, Ky., got one of those "actor semi-British accents." Perhaps he did a movie with Madonna or Tina Turner.
With the stock market and economy falling apart due to Biden's dopey inflationary policies that hurt average Americans, it is sad that most of the nation is focused on this sleazy trial. Gas prices are so high that multi-millionaires Depp and Heard might have to carpool to the courtroom next week.
Heard took the stand this past week and said Depp threw drug-fueled temper tantrums. The lesson here is simple: Forbidden drugs and relationships with volatile women do not mix. So just stay with the drugs, and you will be all right.
Contact Ron Hart, a syndicated op-ed satirist, author and TV/radio commentator, at Ron@RonaldHart.com or Twitter @RonaldHart.