Note: Various colleagues are filling in while First Things First President and CEO Lauren Hall is on maternity leave. The following was written by Reggie Madison and published at firstthings.org in July 2020.
Ahhhh, it finally happened. You and your spouse sat down to eat and … dead silence. In fact, this has happened a lot lately: while lying in bed, riding in the car, sitting on the couch, deciding what to do for fun. You realize that the two of you have absolutely nothing in common to talk about. If you aren’t talking about the kids, work, responsibilities or bills — there’s nothing.
Many emotions creep in: fear, sadness, concern, bewilderment. What happened to us? We used to talk nonstop for hours. We had endless fun and romantic dates. And now it feels awkward and forced.
Yes, I remember those feelings. My wife and I have had that moment where we sat in the bed, both wide awake, and couldn’t think of anything to talk about. We’ve had the arguments about us never wanting to do the same thing for a date or for fun. We’ve experienced the tension of not being able to connect intimately. And we know the awkwardness of not being able to talk about what’s going on at work.
So what do you do? These five things can help you really connect when you feel like you have nothing in common.
1. Accept that it’s normal. You’re not the first couple to experience this, nor the last. Marriages go through stages. The Gottman Institute, which offers a research-based approach to relationships, says that “a person’s inner world changes as they pass through the seasons of life.”
Each of you may be growing, changing and evolving. That’s not a bad thing. It’s a good thing. It’s likely that you’re becoming better versions of yourself, which is good for both you and the marriage. There are times when it is difficult to connect with your spouse because your way of connecting is becoming different.
2. Be aware of letting the world creep in to your marriage. Is all your brain energy focused on work? Do you care more about your success at work than your marriage? Are you totally focused on your children and that’s all you talk or think about? Are you overscheduling your children so that there’s no couple time? When your brain is focused elsewhere, it can feel like you don’t have anything in common with your spouse.
3. Let curiosity be key. Commit to learning new things about your spouse. Remember, you used to talk all the time. Part of that was because you were learning all kinds of new things about each other and it was fresh. There’s a good chance that one or both of you has grown or changed in the time you’ve been married.
4. Focus on loving the differences. Get into your spouse’s world and learn about it. Sometimes we allow our differences to drive us apart. We begin making value judgments about our differences. For instance, I like to make lists and get things done on Saturday morning, which I think is way better than my wife, who likes for us to take Saturday mornings to visit with other families.
Don’t let differences lead to judgments. Instead, allow your differences to take you down a path of learning more about your spouse. Consider the ways that your spouse’s differences are not only likable but helpful to the marriage. There’s a saying, “If both of you were the same, then one of you would be unnecessary.”
5. Plan and do some everyday things together. We needed some things to do together. Planning our weekly menu and cooking together was one thing that worked well for me and my wife. We didn’t focus on the silence. We were trying to accomplish a task together. For example, we started trying new recipes. We had to work together. We were learning about each other’s likes, dislikes, comforts and discomforts. My wife is more willing to try new things. I began to appreciate and even love that more. We created some new dishes that we still eat to this day. The key is learning about your spouse by listening and doing things together.
When you begin to feel like you have nothing in common with your spouse, instead of looking for a way out, see it as an opportunity to learn how to enjoy the beauty of your differences. If you focus on what you don’t have in common, you will find it. The opposite is true as well: If you look for what you have in common, you will find that also.
Reggie Madison is vice president of community relations of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email him at reggie@firstthings.org.