You’ve undoubtedly heard me (and many others) share about the importance of kindness, empathy and communication in romantic relationships. Recent research shows one ingredient to relationship satisfaction that often goes unchecked: a generous amount of self-compassion.
Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would extend to a best friend or family member during trying or difficult times. A study completed by the Otto Friedrich University Bamberg and the Martin Luther University Halle-Wittenberg (MLU) found that your ability to react compassionately to your shortcomings, suffering and pain benefits your relationship as a whole. How? Your self-compassion not only improves your own happiness and stress level but also your partner’s.
Picture this: You’ve had a rough day at work, deadlines breathing down your neck, and your spouse is pestering you about dinner plans or cleaning up a mess. At that moment, you have a choice. You can allow the stress of the situation to weigh heavily on your shoulders, feeling as if you can’t do and be all of the things expected of you. Or you can be honest in the midst of the chaos — give yourself a little pat on the back, acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can and tell your spouse you need a little help with the situation. Being a bit gentler with yourself not only eases your stress but eases your partner’s stress as well. It also allows you and your partner to practice vulnerability, which undoubtedly leads to a deeper, more intimate connection.
Researchers have found that individuals who practice self-compassion regularly tend to have healthier, more satisfying relationships overall. Why? When you’re kinder to yourself, you’re better equipped to regulate your emotions, navigate the ups and downs of life and extend compassion to your partner or spouse when they need it.
Think about it. How many times have you projected your frustrations and emotions onto your partner? We’ve all been there.
What if we could break the cycle by simply being a little kinder to ourselves?
Self-compassion is something many of us don’t realize is missing from our daily lives. Luckily, it’s also a skill that can be practiced and increased over time. When your inner critic or inner voice tells you to do more, do better or that you’re not doing enough, remind yourself that you’re doing what you can, and that’s OK.
Utilizing the skill of self-compassion will help to cultivate a mindset of being more present and loving in your relationship. And remember, you can’t change your spouse, but you can make changes in yourself that will impact your relationship as a whole. So, if your spouse is easily overwhelmed or frustrated and it seems self-compassion isn’t a skill they’re interested in learning, keep practicing it yourself. Set an example. You may create a new tone and a new environment for kindness and empathy in your relationship.
Lauren Hall is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at lauren@firstthings.org.