His Most Evil Loathsomeness, Satan, Prince of Darkness, to his devoted followers, this 19th day of January, in the year of our enemy, 2026:
Greetings, devils, demons, imps, tempters and those inhabited and/or influenced by them. I trust this communique finds you all in ill-tempers and yet gleeful sinfulness. I write this letter to you today in reference to the commotion caused at the Cities Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota, on that most wretched day of the week, Sunday, of Jan. 18.
It is no secret that I myself have done, directed and been otherwise involved in the most sleazy events in human history. I, your dark Lord, led the very rebellion in heaven against the “God” who gave us our very existence! I then tempted and overthrew the bipedal skin creatures he loved so dearly in Eden’s garden. Since that time, I have been the adultery-luring, child-abusing, drug-producing, holocaust-causing, unstoppable force for all things wretched and wrong.
And that is why my next words to you may perhaps come as a bit of a shock:
Could you maybe dial things back just a bit?
I know, I know, that is not what you are used to hearing from me. But (and I know this sounds odd, coming from me) I have to be honest, here; storming into a church in the midst of their worship, disrupting everything, terrifying women and children, and even blocking cars as people try to leave, is, well, “over the top,” even for me.
I know you meant ill, but some lines should, at least for now, perhaps not be crossed. I mean, video of mothers trying to shield their frightened children gives us a bad name even among the bad. See, our goal is to lure people away from the enemy by making them think that our side is better, cooler, hipper (and before any of you mock my choice of terms, there, remember that “Boomer,” to me, may just mean blowing you up if I feel mocked, so, choose wisely), and this kind of does the opposite. I mean, “Hey! Join our side! We barge into churches and give senior citizens heart attacks and children nightmares!” is kind of a P.R. disaster, right?
Further, everyone needs to consider the ramifications if this type of behavior spreads. I mean, sure, doing that in Minnesota may fly, but what if our team in the South tries the same thing? I do not like the thought of the humiliation it would bring to our side if a mob of our folks tried the same thing there and ended up getting beaten to a pulp in the aisles by a bunch of angry rednecks, to say nothing of how bad it would be if their redneck husbands decided to participate as well! Those Southern women are … different.
As to Don Lemons’ participation, please let me say this as tactfully as I can: He doesn’t exactly give us an air of respectability, curse his heart.
“But these places are houses of worship to the enemy!” Yes, I do in fact know that, any of you fools who would dare question me in that way. And yes, I wish none of them existed anywhere; I detest everything about them. Their book is offensive, their love for one another (and even for those who hate them) are grating, and they continuously lure people to the truth, those diabolical fiends! But don’t you see, storming in and acting like fools, jerks and donkeys only makes them look that much better to anyone seeking purity and wholesomeness. We need to be more subtle; you do remember, I trust, that that is the very adjective the enemy himself labeled me with in the garden.
Scenes like what transpired in Minneapolis are the opposite of subtle. They show us for what we really are, in stark contrast to what the enemy and his crowd are. They paint an unmistakable “bad guy/good guy” paradigm, and that never serves us well. We do best when we can convince people that, in spite of our defiance of God, we are the good guys! I know, I know, it makes no sense for anyone to ever believe that, but trust me on this one, humans are pretty gullible. All it really takes for them to at least give us equal footing in their minds is that we not do incredibly stupid things like barging into a church service and terrorizing everyone.
I trust I have made myself very clear on this matter. Moving forward, I expect everyone to be a bit more thoughtful and devious. Tempt. Lie. Cheat. Steal. Insinuate. But do NOT be complete goobers and make any further problems for us in such a forum. The time will eventually come for us to once again throw Christians to the lions, burn them at the stake and stone them in public places. But until you hear from me directly that such time has come, no more barging into churches.
I will personally devour any of you who defy me on this.
Now, carry on with more suitable demonstrations of wickedness, and bring me every report.
Yours deceitfully,
Satan.
Bo Wagner is pastor of Cornerstone Baptist Church of Mooresboro, North Carolina, a widely traveled evangelist and the author of several books available on Amazon and wordofhismouth.com. Email him at 2knowhim@cbc-web.org.