DEAR ABBY: For years, my only daughter and I got along pretty well. Then she stopped visiting or speaking to us, meaning we didn’t see our grandchildren or my son-in-law. That went on for six to eight years. Suddenly, she has responded on Facebook but refuses to tell me what the problem was.
When you don’t communicate with somebody for this long, it’s difficult because so much has happened in the interim that conversations are now as if I’m speaking to a stranger. I deeply resent this, though I pretend I’m fine because if I don’t, all communication will cease again.
As I near the end of my life, I don’t want her to know or come to my “deathbed” (whenever that might be) because the only thing I’m going to want to know is “why,” and she will never tell me. It interfered with my relationship with my three granddaughters, so I don’t want to see her.
I truly feel if she didn’t want any part of me all these years, she shouldn’t bother paying lip service now. When that time comes, I only want to be around people who truly loved and cared about me. I can’t get my son and my best friend to understand that when the time comes, I just want peace. How can I? — WEARY IN WASHINGTON
DEAR WEARY: Tell them the truth — that you maintain contact with your daughter only because you love your granddaughters and don’t want to be further estranged from them. Then explain that when your time comes (hopefully, many years from now), you only want at your side those who showed you love, which does not include the daughter who iced you out for years with no explanation, and you do not want to discuss it further. (From your description of your history with her, she’s unlikely to show up.)