DEAR ABBY: When I was 19 and played bass in a rock band, I fell in love with “Brian.” He was three years older and a musician too. We were young and wild, without a care in the world. After six years together, I got pregnant. I thought Brian would be thrilled, but he wasn’t. It changed how I felt about him. I was heartbroken and lost respect for him. I grew up fast, and put our son, “Ricky,” first. Brian refused to give up his rock’n’roll lifestyle. He sees Ricky two or three times a month. I can’t stand the way he ignores our son. Brian says I can’t alter who he is. I say, if we mattered to him, he would change. This leads to arguments. Is it worse for my son to grow up with an absent father who’s not “present” even when he’s here or for Ricky to see us fight all the time if Brian is part of his life? – FULLY FORMED ADULT IN L.A.
DEAR FULLY FORMED: If Brian didn’t care about Ricky, he wouldn’t show up two or three times a month. What’s sad is that he apparently doesn’t know how to relate to his son. Rather than exclude him entirely, stop arguing and suggest that he and Ricky would both get more out of the visitations if he enrolled in a parenting class. Tell him that for the sake of Ricky’s emotional well-being, you would be glad to facilitate it any way you can, including helping him research some of them online.
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old son, “Todd,” is seeing a girl he goes to school with. “Winona” seems to be a nice girl from a good family. However, her parents have started asking him questions like, “Why aren’t you on the honor roll?” “Do you keep your room clean?” “Would you change for our daughter?” Todd is a good kid and a good student (A’s and B’s mostly.) He has strong morals, lots of friends and is a typical teen. He isn’t asking for the girl’s hand in marriage. It’s their first “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationship. Is the mom out of line, or am I being too sensitive? – DUMBFOUNDED DAD
DEAR DAD: The mother may ask these questions because she’s protective, and it’s her way of trying to get to know your son better. That’s how some mothers are until enough boys become so uncomfortable they disappear and the daughter finds it so embarrassing she puts a stop to it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.