The simple act of communicating can be frustrating, but I want to encourage you. I've yet to meet a family whose communication was all it could be. Quality and quantity are the general goals, but it's not easy. We're all in this together!
According to the Journal of Marriage and Family Review, the six key relationship habits are appreciation/affection, commitment, positive communication, time together, strong coping skills and spiritual well-being. Today, let's look at the third one: positive communication. We'll explore what it means for you if you're a spouse or parent.
(READ MORE: Week 1: Show appreciation, affection through words and deeds)
(READ MORE: Week 2: How to honor your commitment to family)
What should the goal of communication be, both as a spouse and as a family? The purpose of family communication is to connect by deepening your understanding of each other. You're seeking insights that move your relationship forward. You're trying to understand each other's thoughts and feelings so you can love better. It might be to look for ideas and solutions for new or ongoing problems and issues.
One great way to start the habit of positive communication in your family is to set a regular family meeting. If you don't have kids, sit down regularly with your spouse for a marriage check-in. Do you both feel seen, heard and understood? Keep it casual and constructive.
Here's a basic outline of a family meeting:
1. Think about the reason for the meeting. It could be anything from an ongoing sibling argument to an emotional/mental check-in for everyone. It can be a time when the floor is open for anyone to share something they'd like to discuss. Try not to have a meeting just to have a meeting. Focus on the purpose of the meeting.
2. Have a brief activity. (Especially if you have kids.) It could be pulling a fun question from a question jar. There's value in getting everyone involved, laughing and talking to begin. (Check out the list of questions at the end for some ideas!)
3. Introduce the topic. Be mindful of how you approach the topic. What is your goal? Is this a topic for discussing, providing information or making decisions? Is it about gathering everyone's input to solve a problem?
4. Leave room for questions and feedback. If "family meeting" becomes synonymous with "lecture," meetings will be unproductive and dreaded. Be sure to allow everyone to share their feelings about the issue and how it will be handled.
5. End with something fun. Whether you have kids or not, try to finish with some fun. (Game, movie, ice cream, karaoke, etc.)
A regular family meeting can be a great first step toward opening the doors to positive communication in your marriage and family. Asking questions is a fantastic way to keep those steps going in the right direction!
(READ MORE: Conversation starters for parents and kids)
Here are some great questions to ask your spouse or your family to get you started:
1. What's a topic we don't usually talk about that you think would be interesting, important or fun to discuss? Let's go there!
2. If you could adjust one way I communicate with you, what would it be? Why?
3. What's a topic or area that you're kind of uncomfortable discussing with me? How do I contribute to your discomfort? How could I make you feel more comfortable?
4. What do you think are the main obstacles to improving our communication? Let's make a plan!
5. What do you think I haven't taken enough time to learn or understand about you?
6. Are we having fun and enjoying each other? What's a fun thing we could do? Let's put it on the calendar!
7. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Why? (Kids love this one.)
Lauren Hall is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at lauren@firstthings.org.