Those couples who have been married for 25-30 years and are still so happy together -- ever wonder how they made their marriages work for decades? You can Google it. It's actually not a mystery. In this column over the next six weeks, we're going to take a deeper look into six relationship habits that are proven essential qualities of strong families and lasting, happy marriages.
According to the Journal of Marriage and Family Review, the six key relationship habits are: appreciation/affection, commitment, positive communication, time together, strong coping skills and spiritual well-being. Today, let's look at the first one: appreciation and affection. Let's move past clichéd "hey, thanks" and explore the power of genuine appreciation, gratitude and affection.
It's been shown that being actively grateful (that is, actively showing your appreciation) is linked to higher levels of joy, optimism and other positive emotions, and feeling less lonely. Feeling valued and appreciated by your spouse has been found to be a major indicator (the No. 1 indicator in one study) of a happy, healthy marriage. Catch that?
Without intentionality, it can be so easy to take your spouse for granted. At the root of it, though, there are three areas that play into showing appreciation to your spouse: affection, gratitude and thankfulness.
Affection: It isn't just physical. It isn't just saying, "I love you." Affection is demonstrated through your words and actions. It communicates: I care about all of you deeply; I'll be there for you; you're special to me; we're a team, best friends and soulmates.
Gratitude: This is the recognition that your spouse has been gracious toward you, helped you, demonstrated affection or met a need or yours. Gratefulness shows that you see it, get it and appreciate it.
Thankfulness: The external expression of gratitude. Know what says "thank you" to your spouse in a meaningful way to them.
Fortunately, showing each of these in your marriage isn't rocket science. As a matter of fact, it's super simple. Here are some ideas for how you can use affection, gratitude, and thankfulness in your marriage every day.
Be on the lookout for daily opportunities to give appreciation. Make it your mission to notice and respond to at least one thing you see in your spouse every day that you can express appreciation for. Did he make sure the kids were quiet while you got a nap? Or did they accomplish a work project? Weed the flower bed? Listen to you vent about that problem at work? Let them know that what they did was noticed, appreciated and meant a lot to you.
Be sure to show gratitude for the everyday things they do. It's one thing to positively acknowledge something your spouse does that is out of the ordinary. But it's usually the normal, mundane things they do on a regular basis that tend to go unnoticed and unacknowledged: working hard every day at a job, reading to the kids, washing the coffee filter every morning. Let your spouse know you see these things and that you appreciate their attention to them each day, because, after all, these things help life together go much more smoothly.
Be a student of your spouse, and learn how they receive thankfulness. According to author Gary Chapman, we all have a primary love language, a particular pathway through which we feel love and appreciation. Chapman has divided these languages into five groups: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and acts of service.
Does your spouse feel unappreciated? You have everything in your power to change that. Do you not feel appreciated? Lead the dance and show the appreciation that you're wanting. Look for something positive in your spouse every day, remind yourself of all the ways to show appreciation and watch the two of you grow closer together for a stronger marriage!
Lauren Hall is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at lauren@firstthings.org.