What comes to mind when you hear the word commitment? Likely, romantic relationships. But what does commitment look like as a family?
According to the Journal of Marriage and Family Review, the six essential relationship habits are appreciation/affection, commitment, positive communication, time together, strong coping skills and spiritual well-being.
(READ MORE: Show appreciation, affection through words and deeds)
Today, let's look at the second one: commitment. Two main elements to building commitment in your family are creating a family identity and building a family backbone.
Ultimately, your family has an identity built on the bedrock foundation of each family member knowing and feeling loved and belonging. "Love and belonging are irreducible needs of men, women and children," says Brené Brown, author and professor at the University of Houston's Graduate College of Social Work.
Each family member has an individual identity that you can parent toward and contribute to. Your family (as a whole) has an identity that you can also actively cultivate to give your entire family a sense of purpose. "Without this vision," Stephen Covey argues in "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families," "kids can be swept along with the flow of society's values and trends. It's simply living out the scripts that have been given to you. In fact, it's really not living at all; it's being lived." The stronger your family identity, the more commitment will be present throughout.
When it comes to building an identity as a family, here are some things you can do:
– You can work together to create a family purpose statement, or family mission statement, which is a fantastic family identity tool. Remember to refer to it often.
– How you talk about your family plays a massive role in forming its identity. Use the words "our family" a lot ("I love our family!" "Our family is honest."). Refer to your family as a team and even come up with a team name. ("Team Smith works problems out together!") This language will become ingrained in your kids.
– As a family, come up with three to five words describing core values and character traits that you want to be part of your team identity. Post those words up in your house, and refer to them as you work on those qualities and build that team identity.
Even when your family has a strong identity, family life still has ups and downs. Stuff happens -- to your whole family and to individual family members. It can run from natural disasters to kitchen disasters. That "special someone" didn't text your child back or something happened to your transmission, causing a financial setback. You can see them as obstacles that make you scream or opportunities to build your team.
(READ MORE: A good support system can help you navigate change, stress)
Your happy, healthy family has to handle hard things. Your team can have a wishbone and wish things were different, or it can have a backbone and find a different way forward. A strong backbone will highlight the commitment you have to each other.
In tough times especially, your kids will take their cues from you. You can be real and still model how to grow from difficulties, learn from failures, develop problem-solving skills and the value of working hard and not giving up.
If the best type of problems are the ones your family grows stronger from, then the second best are the problems you avoid. Planning, good communication and a strong family identity are so important. But while you can't plan when trouble will hit, you can prepare your kids for it.
Set the example, but also, at age and developmentally appropriate times, set your children up to face challenges, take risks, test their limits and work through problems independently. Allow them to experience the importance of earning and learning. Let them taste failure while they're growing up and you're there to help them process it. This will help commitment thrive in your family.
Lauren Hall is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at lauren@firstthings.org.