“I don’t think my husband has ever told me something he wanted to implement in our parenting,” my friend told me. She had just finished explaining all of the ways she felt overwhelmed. “In fact, he typically just defaults to however he was parented. I do all of the research, I do all of the explaining to him, and I do all of the implementing. He follows along, but it’s exhausting.”
Our conversation made me reflect on my own parenting partnership with my husband. In all honesty, it’s very similar to hers. My husband is present and willing to do whatever it takes in his fathering role. Still, when he thinks about our children’s well-being, it’s more about immediate issues and much less about long-term concerns. I decided to dig a little deeper, ask more moms and review more research.
(READ MORE: What does it mean to be the default parent?)
In 2022, MDlive, a virtual health-care provider, surveyed more than 2,000 moms. The results revealed more than one in three women (33%) feel stressed or overwhelmed by their responsibilities as a mom at least five days a week. More than two-thirds of moms (70%) admit holding back their feelings and not telling their partner or family when they are stressed, and nearly two-thirds (61%) feel that they have no one to turn to or confide in for help.
While this conversation around the “invisible mental load” women carry has been going on for decades, there’s a defining element of this load that often goes undiscussed: parenting.
According to a 2023 Pew Research study, significantly more mothers than fathers say they are “extremely” or “very worried” about their child’s well-being. Moms are also more likely than dads to say being a parent is stressful and tiring all or most of the time. And they’re generally more likely than fathers to say they feel judged for how they parent their children.
While the list of “to dos” and the unseen “mental loads” women carry can undoubtedly take their toll, moms feel extra weight in the parenting category. This doesn’t mean dads or other supportive figures aren’t in the picture. It means moms tend to worry more about their children’s overall well-being and development.
(READ MORE: First Things First CEO says 10 minutes a day can change a child’s life)
DO THIS
To be honest, I’m not sure there’s a solution to this issue, but there are a few ways you can help the moms around you feel supported and alleviate some of their worries.
(READ MORE: When motherhood isn’t what you thought it’d be)
1. Tell her she’s doing a good job as a parent. Whether you’re a spouse, a friend or a child, letting the moms around you know that you see them and their parenting efforts can alleviate some of their mental tension.
2. Ask about her desires for her children. Before becoming a mom, I remember going on a walk with my mom, aunt and sister over a Thanksgiving holiday. They shared their deep desires for their children’s well-being, things like their child’s development, success and happiness. By the end of the walk, everyone was crying and saying how relieved they were by the conversation. They had never been asked to verbalize those thoughts and feelings before. I try to remember to spark similar conversations with friends and fellow mamas when I can.
3. Empathize with her worries and fears about being a mom. Give the moms in your life some space and time to share what concerns them about their children. Remember, you don’t need to fix concerns; just be a listening ear and validate her feelings. If she asks for input, by all means, share. But the most important thing is for her to know she’s seen, heard and understood. Be there when she needs to process her parenting concerns
We’ve all heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Let’s use that same village to acknowledge and support moms.
Lauren Hall is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at lauren@firstthings.org.