The first time my 4-year-old son wrote his name at preschool, I faced a parenting moment I didn’t expect. When I arrived for pickup, he ran down the hall yelling, “Mom! I wrote my name! Mom! I wrote my name! You’re going to love it!”
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I scooped him up as he shared his most treasured accomplishment with me. That’s when I realized my sweet, bright baby boy had written his name with what appeared to be hieroglyphics from prehistoric times. “It’s wonderful! Can you tell me what the letters are?” I asked him, hoping he could clarify a bit. Of course, he clearly stated each letter with a giant smile. “See, Momma! I can read and write!”
I was shocked at how difficult it was for me not to correct him and tell him his “e” was capitalized and didn’t need to be, his stick was on the wrong side of his “d,” and the second “r” favored more of an “n.” I hugged him, put the paper in his backpack and began talking about what we’d do when we got home. Consciously, I vowed to work with him on his letters more regularly.
Was it wrong that I wanted my child to improve his writing skills? No. Was it wrong that I wanted to work with him on his education? No. But my reason why was misplaced. I couldn’t see and celebrate my son’s first attempt at something new without seeing all the imperfections. My struggle with perfectionism was infecting the moment.
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I know I’m not alone in this struggle. The intentions of most parents are pure — we want our children to thrive, succeed and be the best versions of themselves. But we have to be conscious that we don’t push our children through the lens of perfectionism, which can inadvertently fill them with stress and anxiety.
According to research in the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, children raised in environments with high levels of parental control and pressure may develop a heightened desire for perfection, fearing failure and judgment. This fear can create a deep disconnection between parent and child and can damage the development and depth of their relationships for a lifetime.
So how do parents encourage healthy development without perfection? Start with promoting a growth mindset. Research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests praising effort over results helps children develop a healthier attitude toward challenges. It also encourages them to focus on learning and progress rather than producing a fixed outcome.
Plus, children look to their parents as role models. When we embrace our own imperfections and acknowledge our mistakes in front of our children, it sends a powerful message. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology emphasizes that self-compassion, including the ability to forgive yourself for errors, is linked to lower levels of perfectionism in ourselves and our little ones.
While my son’s handwriting is a small fish in a big pond of milestones, acknowledging and affirming the effort of even the little things allows children to feel confident and supported in their pursuit of bigger accomplishments. Let’s be open about our struggles with perfectionism. Together, we can build an environment that encourages resilience, embraces imperfection and celebrates the journey rather than fixating on the destination. The result? A generation of curious, confident children who aren’t afraid to take chances.
Lauren Hall is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at lauren@firstthings.org.