A Psychology Today headline, "Revenge of the Introverts," called out to me one day from the kitchen table.
Typically, I scan the cover of this monthly and toss it aside in favor of Motor Trend; but not this time. As a lifelong member of the introverts club, I was drawn to read the article and perhaps to even join the charge. Revenge is an American virtue, right? I'm reserved and bookish and, by gosh, somebody has to pay.
(Uh-oh. I don't do conflict well ... feeling drained now.)
As often happens, the subhead of this magazine piece, "How To Thrive in an Extroverted World," is the soul of the article. Written by Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D., author of the book "Introvert Power," the article points out that 50 percent of us are introverts. The fact that extroverts are louder and thus seem to fill up a room makes them appear overrepresented in the population, the expert notes.
Since you're reading the Times Free Press, there's a better than even chance that you are an introvert - reading being an introvert's default hobby. You don't need a fancy personality test. If you'd rather read a Cocoa Puffs box than talk to a friend on the telephone, you might be an introvert.
The article comes to a startling, but logical, conclusion about why introverts don't always feel at home in American culture: The media are partly to blame.
"The bias of [extroverts] is reinforced in the media, which emphasize the visual, the talkative and the soundbite - immediacy over reflection," Helgoe writes.
I can barely channel-surf on Comcast anymore for fear of landing on a cable network with some talking head predicting the demise of Our Very Way of Life at the hands of a political adversary.
News flash: It's really an introverts' world. We are the quiet professionals who make the trains run on time. We do your taxes, change your spark plugs and reshelve your books at the library.
Extroverts would do well to learn to thrive in an introvert's world.
Let me help. Extroverts, please repeat after me:
* Privacy is the new vanity. All those social networking websites you extroverts are always using are like permanent tattoos - good luck erasing your digital diaries. With every keystroke, imagine writing to your grandchild. Hint: Learn to keep secrets.
* Listen more, talk less. The next time you find yourself in a corporate brainstorming meeting, wait until the last five minutes to speak. Extroverts assume that eagerness wins brownie points with the boss; introverts know that reason emerges in the last five minutes of a meeting when a good listener smiles and speaks for the first time. It's like a magic trick that extroverts can never figure out.
* Take a chill pill. Introverts are not alarmed by (or amused by) media-flamed panics such as Y2K, swine flu, SARS, flesh-eating viruses, bad eggs or bed bugs.
* Keep your politics to yourself. Here's my introverted view of American politics in 2010: Liberals are people who use the word "nuanced" a lot. Conservatives are people who use the word "liberal" a lot. Extroverts, in general, are drawn to political conflict like moths to a porch light.
Yawn.
I think I'll read a magazine.
E-mail Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com.